Bittersweet day

Dear Noah,

I had one of those bitter-sweet days today.

I am in the process of starting to organize things to pack for our move. Today, during Charlotte's nap (because that's the only time I can really pack, or do anything for the move... ahhh,... 4 weeks away!!) anyway... today, I organized and packed up your stuff. Daddy made a pine chest, sort of like a big toy box for al your things. I got to look at it all again. It's something I don't do very often. We have reminders of you, and pictures of you all over the house, but I rarely look at the other things. They're neatly packed away.
It was nice to look at them. to touch your hospital bracelets, smell your blanket, and the outfits you wore, look at more of your pictures, read letters and cards people wrote, look at pictures and cards that my school kids made for me- before you were born, and then, after you died.

It's so nice to see and touch these things- but it's so hard too. It's part of my life- it is my life- my son died, my first born baby didn't get to grow up, we loved him, we held him, we kissed him and sang to him, and then- he was gone- it was gone- the future was gone. Life changed. These things are a reminder of that too- the anger, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, the lost future that we had planned.

It's hard to look at all your things sometimes, but it will never be all bad- it can't be when it has to do with you- my perfect little baby boy.

On another note- a neighbours mother died today. Mrs. Calvert. She was one of the few people that really knew you- touched you, held you, kissed you. I hope she is whereever you are- maybe she'll hold you again- maybe that will remind you of our time together.

I love you my baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish you were coming with us on our big move to Newfoundland.  You would love it there- it's the perfect place for a little boy.

Love you forever,
Mummy