**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Another Surgery

Hi Noah Bear,

It's been a while since I've written- but don't you think that means I've stopped thinking of you- you are always on my mind!

Mummy has been really flustered this week. A lot of the raw emotions that came with your sickness and death have been coming back. Your little brother, Spencer, is having surgery tomorrow. It is a minor, routine and needed surgery. It isn't an emergency, and he isn't sick.  I know this, logically... but my mind can't help itself going back to that terrible day 7 years ago in April when your surgery ended with a terrible prognosis and our hearts were broken.

In my history- when my child has surgery, they die.

The logical person in me is saying- come on- this is routine, in and out- he will be under anaesthesia for a little while and will be fine.

The grieving mama bear in me is saying- NO- I must save my baby from the sure fate of death, and save myself from the black hole, called life, that follows.

The what if's emerge... what if he doesn't react well to the anaesthesia, what if the surgeon makes a human error? a slip of the hand? what if, what if, what if.

Luckily, right now, the logical person in me is winning- I'm functioning... tomorrow morning, when they wheel him away from me... into the operating room... I have no idea what to expect from myself.  I'll either be a basketcase of tears and anxiety.. or a quiet mess of worry inside my own head. Either way, I will be so, very, happy when it is over and he is home.

think of Mummy and Daddy and Spencer tomorrow! I know you'll be right there with us.

Love you forever,