The Secret Garden Meeting- Formerly- Under the Tree

Hi Baby Boy, Remember.. each month Mummy does this theraputic writing from http://www.thesecretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com/ - Don't worry, another little letter will come soon!

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?


I've been thinking about this a lot latly. So many people see their baby/ies as angels... I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure what I think. it changes really. I see him as safe, or at least I hope he is safe. In a way he is here.. in me.. in everything I do.. in everything Matt and I do. I think he will be in Charlotte (currently in my belly!), although she will never get the chance to meet her big brother.. he will be in her, living through her, her life, her health, her happiness and times with us. Even if she doesn't know it, he'll be there. so really, it's hard to explain... I don't know where I imagine Noah.. maybe I don't want to imagine him anywhere else but where he should be.. safe, in my arms, in his daddies arms, in his beautiful crib, in his room made just for him. Maybe that's why I have no idea where I imagine him. All I know is- I'm living, and somehow- I am trying my best to have him live with me in my heart. To many this may sound absolutly mad.. to others.. those who have lost their precious children... you may just
know exactly what I mean.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

Well, at first I didn't think it would change much- sure, I'd be anxious. But, Noah's pregnancy was wonderful (which I am very happy about now). I felt the best I have ever felt! I lvoed being pregnant- all those 'bad' and 'scary' feelings I once had were gone, I was so happy, mentally, emotionally and physically.. I could have been pregnant forever. until the end when I was quite physically daunting!. The birth was pretty much as expected.. I had a c-section after being overdue 2 weeks, and 3 failed inductions- but I expected a section.. not sure why, I just did.

SO the birth of Charlotte (I am currently 23 weeks pregnant), will be similar, a c-section, however a scheduled one, at 38 or 39 weeks.

But this pregnancy.. oh boy! I do feel good, I feel great actually. BUT it's hard. I don't have a good 'after birth' experience.. my heart knows-- you go to the hospital, have a baby ( a beautiful one), you feel the most intense love you have ever felt in your life, then.. it's gone.. no, not the love- with the physical existance of your son, no more cuddles, no more kisses, no more beautiful eyes looking up at me from my breasts.. nothing. So, if that's my experience- that's what I know.. then it's sort of what I expect. Don't get me know- I am quite a realistic person- and realize that this probably, more than likly, WON"T happen again (thank the lord!) - but it is what I know. You know? Again, people who haven't experienced this probably think I am realy for a mental hospital and need serious help! I think I'm doing fine.. and I'm sure those of you who 'get it', 'get it'... if you know what I mean.

Thanks for Listening!

Hey Munkin.. I love you tons and tons.. you're the best baby boy a Mummy could have!

Love you forever,

Mummy

I Promised!

Hi Munchkin Bear!
Well, Mummy is feeling a little better today- not that I don't miss you- but I got lots of sleep last night LOTS.. almost too much actually :) I guess I need to get all the sleep in that I can before your sister comes!

Only 3 more days of work left for Mummy before she has a full month off of work YAY!
It will be nice to rest, and relax!

I hope you're safe and warm, whereever you are
I love you, I love you, I love you forever,
Mummy

Sorry for this little rant.. you'll forgive me right? Next time a sweet letter- promise!

Hi Baby Boy,

We've officially named your baby sister! Her name will be Charlotte!

I think she even looks like a Charlotte in her ultrasound picture.

How are you? Can you feel it? Feel that people are thinking of you less latly?? Not Daddy and I of course- but others? I can feel it... with Charlotte on the way... this new hope- which beleive me, is a good thing-- I feel like some people just expect us to forget about you, or assume that we are completly over our loss... OVER YOU... NEVER. I think being pregnant brings up emotions all over again, and different ones. Others see my growing belly, glowing face and 'happy' smile, and think all is right in the world again.

All is ok in the world.. but it will never be right.. not without you. how could it? You deserved to live a long, full, healthy life. You didn't deserve to have a big scary surgery before you were 48 hours old. You didn't deserve to be attached to those terrible machines to help you breath while we were hugging, kissing, talking and singing goodbye to you. You didn't deserve any of that.. none of it. But you got it. you got it all... all of that.. and you didn't even get to stay. You were a fighter but not a survivor.. noone hears those stories in the news.

I guess people don't really get that Yes, I am pregnant again, yes, I am happy, and healthy... but Yes... I still grieve my son, I long for my son, I miss my son, I need my son, I think about my son all of the time, I don't walk a step without having the weight of the world on my shoulders- the anger, guilt, stress, hurt, pain, grieve and love for a boy who didn't get his chance to shine like the others of the world. Now... carry a pregnancy with that on your mind.... would it be the same as every other pregnancy? Would it be a wonderful experience? Would it take away all your worries? Would it keep you from spiriling down into a dark hole? Would it help your grieve.... No. People don't see it, or want to think about it. but it's my reality.

Would I take back knowing you for those 2 days.. never, not in a million years- but I would like people to understand.. I know they can't, not unless they've been through a similar experience- and I don't wish that on anyone, not an enemy, not a terrible person.

Noah, I'm sorry for speaking like this in your letter.. but as I've said before- if you were here with me, I wouldn't be speaking like this!! My goodness- those are adult words- adult words that I probably wouldn't have the guts to say face to face to people. But I know you don't mind what Mummy says. I know that you know it all already- you know the love I have for you, the love I will always have.

I'm looking at your picture- you have so much life in your eyes, so much colour in your skin, and so much love pouring out of that little face. Sometimes it still so hard for me to think about the fact that I will never see that face again. No more snuggles, no more cuddles... not even a kiss. I wish I could kiss you my love.. I need to.. but I can't.. I never will.. and it nearly kills me everyday.

I love you, I love you, I love you.... forever,

Love, Mummy

Hi

I love you my boy. I miss you a lot today. Wish you were here enjoying the summer with Daddy and I.

Love you forever,
Mummy

How do you feel about a little sister???

Hello little man!

Well my precious boy, Daddy and I found out yesterday that you are going to have a litle baby sister!! I'm sure that was your plan all along, you'd be the best big brother ever!
Don't worry though, even though she is a girl she will still get to wear a bunch of your clothes!! She will learn to like the colour blue I am sure!
We don't have a name for your sister yet. We like lots of names, but none of them really stand out yet as the right name for your little sister! She has big shoes to fill you know! If you think of a great one, send it to me please!

Well little one, I love you and Daddy does too.
Love you forever,
Mummy