Grief is Hard

Grief is Hard.

I don`t really notice how hard it is much anymore, since it is my normal state.

But it`s hard. 

Nothing is the same.

Everything is different. 

There are many times when 1000 thoughts and scenerios go through my head. At least once a day I just wish I could talk freely and openly about Noah. But- rarely is it `the time, or the place`. 

I want people at my new job to know me- but they don`t know the true real me. What shapes me, makes me who I am. Why I am the one who doesn`t join in on conversation discussing how much life was so GREAT before children.  I`m sure, at some point, I will tell those who I become close to at my work. I will have to. 

Even blogging is different. 

I`m just not into it as much anymore.  I love to write to Noah, and to write random posts- for myself. It used to help me- it use to be an outlet for me. It still is to a certain extent. But I`ve been feeling more and more latly like I just can`t write what I`m feeling. Like... when I have a need to write a post, I don`t have the time, and when I have the time... I don`t have a post. 

I guess maybe this is a sign that I am able to deal with my grief in a different way, or that I have less occasion where I need an outlet. I suppose this is a good thing.

But I miss it. I miss pouring my heart out.. being true to myself through writing... feeling close to Noah through my writing. I miss the comments....

I just miss my son. 

and there`s nothing I can do about it.

Noah, 

I love you so, so, so much. You are forever my baby boy, and I will love you forever. 

You are Special. You are loved. 

Love you Forever, 

Mummy

Kindergarten

Dear Noah,

Since Thursday, I've had an awful feeling in my tummy- something I need off my chest- something I can only say to you- and, this is the only way I can say it.  Other Baby Loss Mama's will understand, I think..

I've taught a lot this week (I'm a substitute teacher). And, on Thursday, I was in a school I haven't been to a lot, in for Special Education. At one point, I was working with a student in a kindergarten class. While in the class we were helping the children finish up their Mother's Day bookmarks they had made, since tomorrow is Mother's Day here in Canada.
Then, out of the blue, the teacher asked me,  what she thought, I'm sure, was an innocent question. 'Ms Lloyd, Do you have children?'  Now, this wasn't to the side of the class, this was over a table of 10, 5 and 6 year olds.
I said, 'Yes, I do'- sometimes (not often), but sometimes, that is where the discussion ends.. but no- 'Oh, How many, and how old?'. Well what felt like 30 seconds later, but was probably only 1.5 seconds, I said '1, She's 18 months' ... ONE, one, 1.  I said 1. I rarely do that. Because I know- I feel like this. I feel like I am betraying my son- betraying my first born, betraying myself, my husband.... everything.
What was I to do? The discussion was going to go on (and did- she asked about daycare, and how she took the move etc....).  I could have said 'Two, 18 months, and 3' or 'Two, my oldest would be have been 3 and my youngest is 18 months' , but then, eventually, with the next questions, I would have had to have said something about him dying as an infant--- in the middle of a Kindergarten class.

Not that kids shouldn't hear that- because it is a reality. BUT- from a substitute teacher they just met, helping them with their mother's day bookmarks.... catching their teacher off guard... at a school where I WANT to be called back often, and I don't want to distance myself from the staff...  tricky situation.

I think I probably did the right thing for myself, at the time. Although, making myself feel this way is never right. It was what needed to be done.
I'm glad it didn't just come right out of my mouth, as ONE, I'm glad I had to think about what to say given the situation. It makes me feel a little less like I am a bad mother to Noah.

OH, the things we have to deal with, that no mother should.
It sucks. It really does.
and on the eve of Mother's Day.. I am a little off altogether- bad mood and all.

I just wish that I didn't have to feel some sense of guilt when I talk about ym children- whether I choose to omit one, or choose to tell all-- there is always some sort of guilt that I am betraying Noah, or on the other side, guilt that I am making the people I am with, or the people I am talking to see bad, sad, pity etc.

I guess I just can't win!

I love you Noah.. Sorry this wasn't a warm and cooshy letter! But you know you have my heart!

Love you forever,

Mummy



:) I may have seen a few of these faces, had I gone on to tell my true story!