I don`t really notice how hard it is much anymore, since it is my normal state.
But it`s hard.
Nothing is the same.
Everything is different.
There are many times when 1000 thoughts and scenerios go through my head. At least once a day I just wish I could talk freely and openly about Noah. But- rarely is it `the time, or the place`.
I want people at my new job to know me- but they don`t know the true real me. What shapes me, makes me who I am. Why I am the one who doesn`t join in on conversation discussing how much life was so GREAT before children. I`m sure, at some point, I will tell those who I become close to at my work. I will have to.
Even blogging is different.
I`m just not into it as much anymore. I love to write to Noah, and to write random posts- for myself. It used to help me- it use to be an outlet for me. It still is to a certain extent. But I`ve been feeling more and more latly like I just can`t write what I`m feeling. Like... when I have a need to write a post, I don`t have the time, and when I have the time... I don`t have a post.
I guess maybe this is a sign that I am able to deal with my grief in a different way, or that I have less occasion where I need an outlet. I suppose this is a good thing.
But I miss it. I miss pouring my heart out.. being true to myself through writing... feeling close to Noah through my writing. I miss the comments....
I just miss my son.
and there`s nothing I can do about it.
I love you so, so, so much. You are forever my baby boy, and I will love you forever.
You are Special. You are loved.
Love you Forever,