**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Do you remember?

Dear Noah,

Do you remember coming into this world?
Do you remember your loud cry?
your long fingers?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our very first cuddle?
Do you remember how special it was?
Do you remember how we both instantly felt?
I knew I loved you- I knew life would never be the same
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember getting your diaper changed for the first time?
Your Grandmothers changed you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our cuddles?
Do you remember how you felt on my chest?
Do you remember the love?
I do

Do you remember Mummy looking into your eyes?
I just couldn't stop
There was something so magical and loving about them
Do you remember looking back at Mummy?
Telling her all you needed to- with one glance?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember that one special cuddle?
You know the one- don't you?
On April 7th 2008- at about 9pm
When we thought you had years to live
That cuddle was so special
It's etched in Mummy's heart forever
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember them taking you away?
Into a land of beeping machines and plastic tubes
Do you remember Mummy crying and holding your hand?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember the new hospital?
Full of children
Do you remember the nurses, the surgeon?
They tried to help you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember being wrapped in your green blanket?
Being held ever so gently by your family
Do you remember us singing to you?
The sound of your Mummy's voice, and your Daddy's tears?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when you opened your eyes for the last time?
You looked at me
You looked at Daddy
You used everything you had to squeeze our hands
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when we let you go?
We had to.
You told us it was time
Do you remember taking a piece of me with you?
Do you remember feeling all our love?
Do you remember?
I do

Can you  still see me?
Loving you?
Taking care of you the only way we know how
Cherishing your Memory

Can you still see me?
Standing by your grave
Crying, hugging
Looking at all those babies who are with you
feeling sad for their parents too

Can you still see me?
Talking about you to your sister?
Putting your names in our songs?
Trying all we can to include you in everything

Can you still see me?
Crying at night?
trying to smile?
loving you?

Can you still see me?
I see you
Are you still with me?
You're with me
Am I still your mother?
You're my son
Do you still need me?
I need you.
Do you remember?
I do

I love you Noah.
Living without you doesn't get easier. It gets more normal- because I can't have it any other way.. but it doesn't get easier.
It's hot out today.... I'm sure we'd be swimming in the pool, and Charlotte would be napping in her stroller...instead, I'm writing this to you, and Charlotte is in her crib, napping.
I wish a lot of things were different
I wish I knew that I was a good mum
I wish I knew that I am a good mum
Today is a hard day for mummy.. nothing is going right, and it all remind me of how so much went right with you- and then.. one thing goes wrong- and my world as I know it is over.

I love you little guy.. you're the bestest boy in the world
Love you forever,


Kristin said...

This is beautiful, truly beautiful.