**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Friday, January 15, 2010

:) Happy Friday Noah! :)

HI Noah bear,

Your sister is sleeping, so I have a little time to write to you and say Hello!

Are you a proud big brother?  I'm sure you are. I wish I could have seen you with your sister. I'm sure you would have been an awesome help for Mummy- gathering stuff for me, and making sure the doggy is getting enough attention. I think Charlotte misses you, even though she never did meet you.

You are a big boy now- soon you'll be 2!
Have you grown in heaven, or did you stay little, like you were when you left us? I'm not sure what happens there. In some ways- I hope you stay nice and small, but in other ways I hope you grow into a strong young boy, and man that you would have been if we were allowed to keep you with us.  I know I'll never get an answer to that question.... I just wish I knew. I wish I knew a lot of things about you, and how things are where you are, and why it is that you can't be here with Mummy. I would have been such a good Mummy to you if you'd stayed.

It's Auntie Kate's birthday today! I hope you send her birthday wishes from heaven! She is having a little baby cousin for you and Charlotte in May. Uncle Peter is going to be a great Daddy!  We don't know if they are having a boy or a girl- we'll find out when the baby arrives!  I secretly hope it's a girl.... you are our boy...it would just  make it harder if they had a boy... I know, I know- at some point- someone in the family will have a boy- but I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. But if they do have a boy, I will love him like no other Auntie ever has! Don't worry... mostly Mummy is just jealous of people who get to keep their boys. I shouldn't be- but I am! Maybe overtime, this feeling will stop- but I don't know! you've made a big impact on my sweetheart!

I love you Noah- I love you soo, soo, soo much!
I Love you FOREVER,
Mummy

2 comments:

Rebekah said...

I'm not ready for anyone in my family to have a boy either. I can handle it a little better with friends but maybe by the time it happens my heart will be prepared.

Krista said...

One of my aunts believes reincarnation is possible. I don't know that that makes sense to me. Another one of my aunts believes she'll see her loved ones who have passed away again in heaven. I don't know what heaven's like, and I don't always know if I believe it exists. I don't think we would have "ages" in heaven, kinda like we're "age-less" there. Of course, you're asking the hard questions: the things none of us know the answers to while we're alive.

I still get jealous when I hear of someone with CF who is over the age of 23. That's the age at which my cousin died. There's definitely way less jealousy than there used to be. I used to get extremely upset (not with the person, of course) and emotional. Now it's like a twinge of jealousy if I meet someone with CF who's older than 23. That jealousy probably will never go away in me.

Btw, I think you'll be a great auntie!