bitter

Hi Noah,

Another week without you, boy oh boy. It's hard to think about sometimes.Not you- you're easy to thing about- but it's hard to think about the time I've spent without you. It's been 2 years, 2 months, 18days. I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too.

In so many ways I think I am a better Mummy because you were here. I think I am more sensitive to things that matter, and I take ever day and try to cherish it- because I never know when it will be taken away from me... again.
But, a conversation I had today with Daddy, made me think.. that in some ways.. I am not better. Well, that sounds like a given, I know! of course I"m not better, my son died before I even got to teach him to tie his shoes, ride his bike, wipe his bum, or clap his hands.
I think I am bitter. I am bitter that I will never be 'wonderful' again. sure I'm good, i'm fine, and I can even say I'm happy. But I will never be, Happier than ever, things will never be perfect. how can they be? If I say things are perfect my mind will go directly to you- how can things be perfect when you are not with us. How can things be perfect when we have a grave, and a tree to visit instead of pre-school concerts and soccer games? Life isn't perfect, hey, I know, know one's is. but really. I can say for sure, that I will never think my life is perfect.
I've accepted this truth for my life- but I still think it sucks.

Noah, we miss you so much. It's felt like a lifetime without you- and there is so much more life to  live for us.
I just wish I never had to write this stupid blog.
I think I'm a little bitter today.
I just want my baby back.

I love you baby boy. You are the bestest little boy in the whole entire world.
Love you forever,
Mummy

I found the key to happiness :)

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/recipe/chocolate-cake-in-5-minutes

Thanks Mum! :) it does the trick after 2 very long nights and days with a little teething girly!

Much needed chocolate cake!

Note the froggy mug :)

Jane
PS. Obviously I am aware that this is not the key to happiness! It just helps :)

Censorshi(t)p

Over the past year or so, I've realized that more and more people from my 'real' life have been reading my blog. I"m not always certain how they find it- maybe from a friend, maybe through a google search, maybe they heard I have one, and tried and tried until they found it, maybe it was because when I first started my blog, I let a few people know- and they are still around, checkin' in on me..
Whatever the way, or reason. I"m not certain I like it.
For the most part, actually. It's fine. People read it, and usually keep to themselves, but then once in a while I get a comment, message on facebook, or an email (of course, never a phone call- too awkward!ha).. letting me knwo that they've read my blog, and are thinking of me. Or they let me know how in some ways they understand what I am going through, or don't understand- but can try to empathize. I don't mind this. I really don't.
But what about the comments, messages and emails- that correct me. Correct me?? This is a place where I want to feel safe to write whatever comes out of my thick skull, and out of my heart. I used to not even read over what I wrote- because I knew that it was what I needed to write on that day- and so spelling mistakes and all- there they were- published.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE comments- and they have been dwindling lately, which makes me a little sad. But, I don't really like when people 'try' to make me feel better by saying something I said was wrong- or by telling me how they think it's different... Really?? Well- at this moment- this is my truth. The next moment, month or year- I may think, or express something different- for now- this is it- either support me, tell me your story, something- but don't tell me my thoughts are wrong.

I feel like I must censor myself now. Not just because of the reason I just gave- but for a variety of others as well. For instance- this post- I really have been wanting to write for about 2 or 3 weeks- but I couldn't do it.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings
I don't want to make anyone's grief worse
I don't want to feel like my writing makes others sad
I don't want people to think I am crazy
I don't want people to think I am in over my head.
remember- this blog- my writing- this is my out. this is WHY I am not crazy, and not in over my head. Because I can write about being sad, scared, anxious, angry, happy, mad- about my grief- because of that I can help myself heal.
Because of this blog, and a few other things, I can try to live a normal life, I can be a good mother to both Noah and Charlotte.

How do I do this?
without making a new blog that noone in the world knows about?
... and I don't want to do that! my baby-loss Momma friends- I wouldn't want to lose them- their support.
Plus, as I said before, I love comments-
It's a catch 22 really.

I guess I'm being immature, and don't want to be told I am wrong.
I also am being a little mature, by not wanting to hurt anyone.

I don't even know if this post makes sense. I just know that I've felt like I have to keep my words inside lately-and that is not good for my head.
urgh
any suggestions?

PS. If you think I'm talking about you- I"m most likely not! it's a collection of things really. so try not to worry too much... or you'll have me censoring even more! Ha!


Hi Noah Bear, 


Today Mummy is going to her school to watch the graduation ceremony for the kids that I taught last year. It will be nice to see them graduate! 
I'm leaving Charlotte with a babysitter (ok not really- a good friend, with a baby- who's house we go to every week!) for the first time. I shouldn't worry- but I do! 
What if she needs me?
What if she wants me?
What if she hurts herself? or gets sick?
Mummy is a worry wart- I know! I am going to try to by calm, breathe and enjoy myself! 
I've been thinking about how I probably need to have a babysitter more often, so I can be an even better Mummy. Sometimes I think it would be good for Mummy and Daddy to go on a date, or even just go for a drive- and not worry about Charlotte... even for just 30 minutes! Then again, I'd probably worry more!


I love you Noah. I wouldn't worry as much about Charlotte if you were here  too. You would be able to bring to babysitter what you think she needed- I'm sure by now you would have had her all figured out! Diaper change, food, water, milk, cuddles, playtime, story. You'd know what she'd want- because you would want it to! 
I love you forever,
Mummy

PS. I"m trying my best not to re-read this- like the good old days- so excuse all the grammar, spelling, typos!

Butterfly Release number 3

Hi Noah Bear,

After writing that subject line, I realized how much is sucks that the number will just keep going and going and never stop....... a butterfly release-- nothing compared to having YOU back with me!

Anyway... Yesterday was the Annual PBSO Butterfly Release and Family Picnic. It was year three for us.
This year was a little different- because we had your sister with us.  It was ncie to share it with her. This will be something we will try to attend each year- as a family- in  memeory  of you! it's a nice day- with stuff for kids to do, a butterfly release- and lots of people with one thing in common.. lots of people who get what it's like to be me, and to be your daddy.. who get what it's like to be a mother, yet sometimes, for years- not have it acknowledged.

We took some pictures this year! here are a few!

here's Mummy with your little sister!

Here's daddy with your little sister

Here's your butterfly....did you catch it?

Your daddy and Charlotte... saying goodbye to your butterfly

Your sister's shirt says 'My Big Brother is an Angel  in Heaven'... and look, a butterfly landed on it!!

Ohh.. she finally noticed it! watch out butterfly- don't worry Noah, we didn't let her hurt it!

Isn't it pretty!!

Daddy and Charlotte sitting pretty!

Here is Charlotte with Matthew and Reece. They were releasing butterflies for their sister, Breanna, and brother, Cole.

We love you Noah. 

You are the bestest boy in the whole entire world and heavens!

Love you forever, 

Mummy

me

It's not about me.

I don't want it to be about me.

I just want a tiny bit of me back.

Life hasn't been about me since I became pregnant with Noah- exactly this time, 3 years go.
For that 41.5 weeks- life was about that little precious life inside of me. The dreams we had as a family. It was about keeping that little one healthy, safe. Little did we know, he wouldn't be safe at all.

Then, from Noah's birth on. Life was about him. For 2 days (2 days... ONLY 2 days), it was about, still, keeping him safe, loving him, getting to know him, feeding him, protecting him. Then, after he died, 2 days later, it was about still- loving him- but also keeping his memory alive, trying to make sure he would never be forgotten. Trying to do everything right- since there was so little we could do for him.  This will never end. Life will always be about Noah's memory.
Then, a few months later- life became about trying to conceive again. Wow- was that tough. Then, finally-life became about protecting the life of the new little one inside of me.
Now, life is about cherishing, and honouring Noah's memory. And protecting and nurturing the life of Charlotte. 
Great things to be living life for... well, one, not so great- but it's my reality.

What about me.
I feel like I've lost myself.
I know I'm not a altogether selfless person. But I have forgotten about myself.
In more ways than one.
Where did the person go who cared about how she looked?
Why have I had a tester of nailpolish on one of my fingers for 1 months now?
WHy is the nail polish on my toes  (that my sweet husband put on me one night when he wanted me to feel better) still on my toes- but looking rediculously terrible- half on and half off.\
Why have I not gotten a hair cut in 6 months?
Why am I at the highest weight I have ever been (except for in late stages of pregnancy)
Why do I hate looking in the mirror?
WHy do I not care about blemishes on my face?
Why do I censor myself, in life, in blogging?
Why do I let more and more friends down-  with ignoring messages, and attempts to get out of things?
Why do I knowingly, sometimes, blow up at Matty, for something completly not worth it?

There are so many more Why's. And to many people, these things may seem very trivial. But to me, they are not. Some are- yes- by themselves. Do I really care about nailpolish or a hair cut- NO.. but do I like the person I've become- who doesn't take care of herself, or even care at all like she used to. No.

Is it grief? unresolved? ungoing? Probably
Is it 'new'parenthood? Busy? Hectic? Probably
Whatever it is- it's hurting my inner self. It's causing a very nasty head space. Surly I can be a good parent to both my children, and still be good to myself. Surely I can fix this?
Right now- I just don't know how.

When I'm busy with life- I feel fine. or at least, I tell myself I'm fine.
But when I'm alone, after everyone is in bed, or when Charlotte is napping, or when I am lying awake waiting for sleep to catch me. I think of all of this. and yet- I do nothing about it.

All I want is the impossible.
All I want is a tiny bit of me back- you know that girl who had everything going for her. That girl who was always happy, didn't have frown lines.
I wouldn't trade either of my children for anything. but to feel like I used to feel. To have one day, where I could say- the whole day- I felt good- like my old self again. That would be good.
I know I can't be that person again. Noah, and Charlotte have changed me.. for the better in many, many, many ways. but  I want myself back.
Surely I can have both... my children and myself?

I want to want to improve myself.

I just want a tiny bit of my back

I don't want it to be all about me.

It's not about me.




Noah,
I love you!
I think sometimes now, mummy will write more regular blog posts- and letters to you too. It just doesn't feel right to write to  a baby boy about adult issues!
I love you, so, so, so, so much
I miss you
Our trip to Halifax just isn't the same without you.
Love you forever,
Mummy