**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


Hi Noah,

Another week without you, boy oh boy. It's hard to think about sometimes.Not you- you're easy to thing about- but it's hard to think about the time I've spent without you. It's been 2 years, 2 months, 18days. I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too.

In so many ways I think I am a better Mummy because you were here. I think I am more sensitive to things that matter, and I take ever day and try to cherish it- because I never know when it will be taken away from me... again.
But, a conversation I had today with Daddy, made me think.. that in some ways.. I am not better. Well, that sounds like a given, I know! of course I"m not better, my son died before I even got to teach him to tie his shoes, ride his bike, wipe his bum, or clap his hands.
I think I am bitter. I am bitter that I will never be 'wonderful' again. sure I'm good, i'm fine, and I can even say I'm happy. But I will never be, Happier than ever, things will never be perfect. how can they be? If I say things are perfect my mind will go directly to you- how can things be perfect when you are not with us. How can things be perfect when we have a grave, and a tree to visit instead of pre-school concerts and soccer games? Life isn't perfect, hey, I know, know one's is. but really. I can say for sure, that I will never think my life is perfect.
I've accepted this truth for my life- but I still think it sucks.

Noah, we miss you so much. It's felt like a lifetime without you- and there is so much more life to  live for us.
I just wish I never had to write this stupid blog.
I think I'm a little bitter today.
I just want my baby back.

I love you baby boy. You are the bestest little boy in the whole entire world.
Love you forever,


Hope's Mama said...

Another one of those posts, Jane, where I feel like I could swap the names Noah for Hope and pass this off as my own. Amazing how much we really do have in common.