**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Over the past year or so, I've realized that more and more people from my 'real' life have been reading my blog. I"m not always certain how they find it- maybe from a friend, maybe through a google search, maybe they heard I have one, and tried and tried until they found it, maybe it was because when I first started my blog, I let a few people know- and they are still around, checkin' in on me..
Whatever the way, or reason. I"m not certain I like it.
For the most part, actually. It's fine. People read it, and usually keep to themselves, but then once in a while I get a comment, message on facebook, or an email (of course, never a phone call- too awkward!ha).. letting me knwo that they've read my blog, and are thinking of me. Or they let me know how in some ways they understand what I am going through, or don't understand- but can try to empathize. I don't mind this. I really don't.
But what about the comments, messages and emails- that correct me. Correct me?? This is a place where I want to feel safe to write whatever comes out of my thick skull, and out of my heart. I used to not even read over what I wrote- because I knew that it was what I needed to write on that day- and so spelling mistakes and all- there they were- published.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE comments- and they have been dwindling lately, which makes me a little sad. But, I don't really like when people 'try' to make me feel better by saying something I said was wrong- or by telling me how they think it's different... Really?? Well- at this moment- this is my truth. The next moment, month or year- I may think, or express something different- for now- this is it- either support me, tell me your story, something- but don't tell me my thoughts are wrong.

I feel like I must censor myself now. Not just because of the reason I just gave- but for a variety of others as well. For instance- this post- I really have been wanting to write for about 2 or 3 weeks- but I couldn't do it.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings
I don't want to make anyone's grief worse
I don't want to feel like my writing makes others sad
I don't want people to think I am crazy
I don't want people to think I am in over my head.
remember- this blog- my writing- this is my out. this is WHY I am not crazy, and not in over my head. Because I can write about being sad, scared, anxious, angry, happy, mad- about my grief- because of that I can help myself heal.
Because of this blog, and a few other things, I can try to live a normal life, I can be a good mother to both Noah and Charlotte.

How do I do this?
without making a new blog that noone in the world knows about?
... and I don't want to do that! my baby-loss Momma friends- I wouldn't want to lose them- their support.
Plus, as I said before, I love comments-
It's a catch 22 really.

I guess I'm being immature, and don't want to be told I am wrong.
I also am being a little mature, by not wanting to hurt anyone.

I don't even know if this post makes sense. I just know that I've felt like I have to keep my words inside lately-and that is not good for my head.
any suggestions?

PS. If you think I'm talking about you- I"m most likely not! it's a collection of things really. so try not to worry too much... or you'll have me censoring even more! Ha!

Hi Noah Bear, 

Today Mummy is going to her school to watch the graduation ceremony for the kids that I taught last year. It will be nice to see them graduate! 
I'm leaving Charlotte with a babysitter (ok not really- a good friend, with a baby- who's house we go to every week!) for the first time. I shouldn't worry- but I do! 
What if she needs me?
What if she wants me?
What if she hurts herself? or gets sick?
Mummy is a worry wart- I know! I am going to try to by calm, breathe and enjoy myself! 
I've been thinking about how I probably need to have a babysitter more often, so I can be an even better Mummy. Sometimes I think it would be good for Mummy and Daddy to go on a date, or even just go for a drive- and not worry about Charlotte... even for just 30 minutes! Then again, I'd probably worry more!

I love you Noah. I wouldn't worry as much about Charlotte if you were here  too. You would be able to bring to babysitter what you think she needed- I'm sure by now you would have had her all figured out! Diaper change, food, water, milk, cuddles, playtime, story. You'd know what she'd want- because you would want it to! 
I love you forever,

PS. I"m trying my best not to re-read this- like the good old days- so excuse all the grammar, spelling, typos!


Hope's Mama said...

We're in the same boat again on this one. Ugh! I feel your frustrations.

Krista said...

I suspect you're found through your blog to Charlotte, which you have posted on your facebook page.

I enjoy reading your blog because it makes me feel closer to you and Noah. I am thinking maybe I corrected you? But I don't try to. I think a few times I've tried to say why people say/do the things they do.

One option is to make your blog "private" so that only followers and those you invite can read your blog. Just a thought.

Tracie said...

Hi. I just happened onto your blog (thru Once A Mother, I think?). I haven't read anything but the first 2 posts and Noah's story. Before I go any further, I wanted to tell you that you shouldn't try to censure your grief OR your words. It will only hold you back in the grieving process. I can't even begin to tell you how much I wish I had had a place like this when my son died from prematurity almost 17 years ago. It was like taboo to even speak his name, it seemed. Ofcourse, I went against the grain and mentioned him whenever I could. But I am so thankful that all these years later, grieving mothers are more open. Please, please don't let anyone take that away from you. Let people be uncomfortable...maybe it will give them a nudge to support March of Dimes or similar charities, love their own kids more, or become a bit more compassionate.

Anonymous said...

Tracie said it so well! You have to do, write, say what you need to...because that is what YOU need. I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking and praying for you and your beautiful Noah.


Stephanie said...

AAAHHH ~ I get it~ I really do. I too have been in the all too creepy place that I suddenly become aware that someone is referencing something that I wrote in my blog. OR that something that I wrote had a direct impact upon my life via someone else choice to invade my privacy! I have gone through the censoring myself thing and it is just so wrong because, as you already stated... a blog is your personal space to vent, get angry, say what MUST be said and get it out of your head. It is healthy ~ cathartic even...this is coming from someone who used to be a therapist (long time ago)! You are not doing anything to hurt another or yourself, so why should anyone have a problem with things you write!

I hope that you keep going for your own healing and to heck with those who don't get it. It is not their grief, their journey, their pain...it is your.