**Disclaimer** If you know me in my 'real' life and stumble across this blog- please know that I write here for healing, and to feel close to my Noah, and close to my grief. At times these letters may seem sad, angry, and at times, crazy. Please don't worry about me- this is how I help myself heal. If you have questions, just ask- if you know me well at all, you know that I love talking about my Noah.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


It's not about me.

I don't want it to be about me.

I just want a tiny bit of me back.

Life hasn't been about me since I became pregnant with Noah- exactly this time, 3 years go.
For that 41.5 weeks- life was about that little precious life inside of me. The dreams we had as a family. It was about keeping that little one healthy, safe. Little did we know, he wouldn't be safe at all.

Then, from Noah's birth on. Life was about him. For 2 days (2 days... ONLY 2 days), it was about, still, keeping him safe, loving him, getting to know him, feeding him, protecting him. Then, after he died, 2 days later, it was about still- loving him- but also keeping his memory alive, trying to make sure he would never be forgotten. Trying to do everything right- since there was so little we could do for him.  This will never end. Life will always be about Noah's memory.
Then, a few months later- life became about trying to conceive again. Wow- was that tough. Then, finally-life became about protecting the life of the new little one inside of me.
Now, life is about cherishing, and honouring Noah's memory. And protecting and nurturing the life of Charlotte. 
Great things to be living life for... well, one, not so great- but it's my reality.

What about me.
I feel like I've lost myself.
I know I'm not a altogether selfless person. But I have forgotten about myself.
In more ways than one.
Where did the person go who cared about how she looked?
Why have I had a tester of nailpolish on one of my fingers for 1 months now?
WHy is the nail polish on my toes  (that my sweet husband put on me one night when he wanted me to feel better) still on my toes- but looking rediculously terrible- half on and half off.\
Why have I not gotten a hair cut in 6 months?
Why am I at the highest weight I have ever been (except for in late stages of pregnancy)
Why do I hate looking in the mirror?
WHy do I not care about blemishes on my face?
Why do I censor myself, in life, in blogging?
Why do I let more and more friends down-  with ignoring messages, and attempts to get out of things?
Why do I knowingly, sometimes, blow up at Matty, for something completly not worth it?

There are so many more Why's. And to many people, these things may seem very trivial. But to me, they are not. Some are- yes- by themselves. Do I really care about nailpolish or a hair cut- NO.. but do I like the person I've become- who doesn't take care of herself, or even care at all like she used to. No.

Is it grief? unresolved? ungoing? Probably
Is it 'new'parenthood? Busy? Hectic? Probably
Whatever it is- it's hurting my inner self. It's causing a very nasty head space. Surly I can be a good parent to both my children, and still be good to myself. Surely I can fix this?
Right now- I just don't know how.

When I'm busy with life- I feel fine. or at least, I tell myself I'm fine.
But when I'm alone, after everyone is in bed, or when Charlotte is napping, or when I am lying awake waiting for sleep to catch me. I think of all of this. and yet- I do nothing about it.

All I want is the impossible.
All I want is a tiny bit of me back- you know that girl who had everything going for her. That girl who was always happy, didn't have frown lines.
I wouldn't trade either of my children for anything. but to feel like I used to feel. To have one day, where I could say- the whole day- I felt good- like my old self again. That would be good.
I know I can't be that person again. Noah, and Charlotte have changed me.. for the better in many, many, many ways. but  I want myself back.
Surely I can have both... my children and myself?

I want to want to improve myself.

I just want a tiny bit of my back

I don't want it to be all about me.

It's not about me.

I love you!
I think sometimes now, mummy will write more regular blog posts- and letters to you too. It just doesn't feel right to write to  a baby boy about adult issues!
I love you, so, so, so, so much
I miss you
Our trip to Halifax just isn't the same without you.
Love you forever,


brigette said...

I love the song on your blog!! You write with such feeling I love it! Your letter is sweet. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. Its hard to get you back with all the things in life we deal with but you deserve it to. Litte bits at a time.

Hope's Mama said...

Jayne, this is exactly what I have been getting at with my last two posts. You hit the nail on the head.
I'm so lost in grief and sleep deprivation I really don't know who I am anymore. All I ever was before my life went to shit two years ago seems so, so far away. How do we get that back, or is it impossible?