Missing my boys

Hi Baby bear,

I miss you a lot right now.. your sister is having a nap, and Casey wants to go for a walk, but he's going to have to settle for the backyard right now.
Daddy is away right now- he is in Niagara Falls for meetings over the next few days. It's the first time I've been alone with your sister, it will be the first time I've been alone this long since before you were born.

I miss you
your soft hair
the nape of your neck
I miss you

I love you
your wrinkly feet
your long piano fingers
I love you

I need you
your big brown eyes
and little button nose
I need you

I miss you
my only son
my forever joy
I miss you


I miss both my boys right now- luckily, I know Matt is coming home, unluckily, my baby boy is not.

this is the only picture we have of daddy and you.... we thought we'd have a lot more time. This was taken about 1 hour after you were born, on the night of April 6th 2008.... oh, to have that day back... what Mummy would do. 

Love you forever,
Mummy

Hope Collage

Hi Noah,

Jenna's mommy Franchesca graciously does these name collages for babies who have died.
She asks mommies to list a few words that a special, and puts them together to make a beautiful 'Hope Collage'.
Here are yours!

Aren't they beautiful! It's just so hard to think of SOME words that remind me of you, or that I think of when I think of you... everything reminds me of you... the words could have been things like.... blue, table, bath, t-shirt, blanket...... literally, everything reminds me of you.. so I just picked what came to my mind, about the specialness of you (is specialness a word?... it should be!).  I love them! Thanks Franchesca!

I love you forever... and ever, and ever

Mummy

My Valentines Boy!

Hello My Valentine Boy,

It's Valentine's day today. This would be your second valentines day, and I just know you would be giving Mummy lots of hugs and kisses today if you were with me!
Consider yourself hugged and kissed wherever you are today. You are my Valentine boy! Always and forever!

Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow made you your very own Valentine Virtual Chocolate! YUMMY!

Isn't that thoughtful?!

Happy Valentines day my beautiful, precious son. 

I love you forever, 

Mummy

Can you see the flame from where you are?

Hi Noah Bear,

Today is the beginning of the Olympic games... Mummy LOVES the olympics, for some reason I am obsessed. I was a figure skater for much of my life, and had childhood dreams of being an olympian... of course, that didn't happen- but the Olympics are still soo, soo exciting to Mummy.
It's a little sad this year though. There is an Olympic t-shirt, all the way from Vancouver, bought about 3 years a go when Gramma and Poppy were visiting Vancouver. It's ready for you to wear- but you are not here to wear it.  That makes Mummy a bit sad.
Sure, your sister can wear it- although it will be more like a dress on her, since it was bought for someone who was supposed to be almost 2.
Everything tends to be bittersweet now.. this 'new' life of mine is just so different that I thought it would have been, 2 years ago when I was robustly pregnant with you. Oh how I thought things would be perfect, that innocent, ignorance of pregnancy was surrounding me... a happy time, with darkness waiting in the wings.

As I watch the olympics this year- I will think of you
can you see the flame from heaven?
can you feel the excitement from where you are?
oH- how I wish you were here- and I was teaching you all about the different sports, and athletes.... Oh how I wish you were here, to cuddle on the couch and watch the games with daddy and I.  Oh how I wish, I wish, I wish....
You will always be my boy, our boy.... probably our only boy... definitely our first boy...

I love you forever,
Mummy

Us, minus you

Hi Baby boy,

We miss you... we miss you a lot. A lot doesn't really even cut it actually... it's more than that.
Now it's just us, your family, minus you.
here we are

I love you forever, 

Mummy

here we are

The Noah Awards

Hi Noah Bear,

Poppy set up this Award in your name last year. It finally has a web site. We have been raising money for it- and doing a pretty good job! Mostly it is the family doing the donating, but that's ok! We love you!

http://www.med.mun.ca/phru/noah-awards.aspx If you have the internet up there.... check it out!  

And if anyone reading this has a few dollars to spare, please consider donating!

I miss you lots today hunny. It's a lazy day at home, it's cold outside... I miss not having you with us- everyone together. 

I love you forever, 

Mummy

Beautiful Face

Hi Baby boy... do you remember how beautiful you are? I do!

Here you are in your Noah's Ark sleepers! you were so tiny!

Here you are, sleeping. You loved to be swaddled.

I"ll always remember your beautiful face!

Love you forever,

Mummy

I miss you when......

I miss you lots today my baby bear.... I miss the 4 person family that I will never get to have all together....

I miss  you when I'm happy
I miss you when I'm sad
I miss you when I see your sister cry
I miss you when I see your sister smile
I miss you when I dress you sister in sleepers meant for you
I miss you when I kiss her goodnight
I miss you when she is bathed in your tub
I miss you when daddy kisses her
I miss you when daddy kisses me
I miss you when we go on family walks
I miss you when we play RockBand and Charlotte laughs
I miss you when I see your picture, which happen to be everywhere!
I miss you when I see a froggie
I miss you when I see a g-raf
I miss you at church
I miss you when I go to sleep
I miss you when I sing to your sister
I miss you when I read to your sister
I miss you when I'm taking pictures
I miss you when I go to stores that have things for little boys

I miss you always..... nothing is 'right' without you
Love you forever,
Mummy

:) Happy Friday Noah! :)

HI Noah bear,

Your sister is sleeping, so I have a little time to write to you and say Hello!

Are you a proud big brother?  I'm sure you are. I wish I could have seen you with your sister. I'm sure you would have been an awesome help for Mummy- gathering stuff for me, and making sure the doggy is getting enough attention. I think Charlotte misses you, even though she never did meet you.

You are a big boy now- soon you'll be 2!
Have you grown in heaven, or did you stay little, like you were when you left us? I'm not sure what happens there. In some ways- I hope you stay nice and small, but in other ways I hope you grow into a strong young boy, and man that you would have been if we were allowed to keep you with us.  I know I'll never get an answer to that question.... I just wish I knew. I wish I knew a lot of things about you, and how things are where you are, and why it is that you can't be here with Mummy. I would have been such a good Mummy to you if you'd stayed.

It's Auntie Kate's birthday today! I hope you send her birthday wishes from heaven! She is having a little baby cousin for you and Charlotte in May. Uncle Peter is going to be a great Daddy!  We don't know if they are having a boy or a girl- we'll find out when the baby arrives!  I secretly hope it's a girl.... you are our boy...it would just  make it harder if they had a boy... I know, I know- at some point- someone in the family will have a boy- but I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. But if they do have a boy, I will love him like no other Auntie ever has! Don't worry... mostly Mummy is just jealous of people who get to keep their boys. I shouldn't be- but I am! Maybe overtime, this feeling will stop- but I don't know! you've made a big impact on my sweetheart!

I love you Noah- I love you soo, soo, soo much!
I Love you FOREVER,
Mummy

Miss, Miss, Miss

Hi Baby Bear,

Gramma went home yesterday. I miss her. I think that when I miss other people, like your daddy when he is at work, or away at a meeting, or your grandparents, or your uncle.. then it makes me miss you even more.
Is missing you more, possible? I'm not sure, but today I'm feeling it.
I love you
I love you forever,
Mummy

Your Place

Hi Baby Bear,

Just wanted to show you a few pictures of your place in Kingston!

Uncle Steve made you a g-raf!! isn't he cute!

here is your snowman solar light!

Your sister and your place. She is all bundled up because it was very cold, and snowy.

There is daddy with the two of you

And Mummy too.

I love you Noah. Christmas is so hard without you. come visit me in my dreams.. please!

I love you, I miss you, I need you.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas Noah- Mummy loves you so much
Christmas will never be the same without you. I hate that you can't be here, but I do love that I can see you in your sister's beautiful eyes.
We go to Kingston on Saturday to visit Grammie and Grampie- we will take Charlotte to see your spot, and take a picture with  her, and your big stone. Hope that's ok with you

I hope you get all the candy canes, pressies and hot chocolate that you want!

Love you forever,
Mummy

Love you..... forever


Mummy

Milton

Look Noah- Your froggy, Milton got his picture taken by a photographer!!!

Isn't he cute !!

here is your sister, with Milton, your froggy, and her lamby named Lily

Here is your sister all wrapped up in your blanky... it's probably the only time I will let her touch it!

Isn't she cute?? she looks just like you!

I love you forever,

Mummy

Photos by Hope Hanson www.h2photo.ca Charlotte, 1 week old November 24th, 2009

Kisses

Noah Bear,

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.... x infinity.

I love you baby bear. I miss you so much. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish I could feed you, keep you safe, put you to bed at night and sign you lullabys.
But for now... I can't.
I love you  forever,
Mummy