Presents

Hi Little Man,

I wish it wouldn't be 'weird' to buy you Christmas presents! If things were different I would be buying toys and cute little clothes... and I would be buying little boy fun wrapping paper... I would have enjoyed that a lot! Instead.. I try to stay away from places where I might run into too much baby stuff.

1 year ago I thought things would be so different... WOW.. how life throws us curveballs.. but this is more than a curveball.. this isn't fair.

I wish you were here with Mummy and Daddy. We miss you a lot.

Come visit me in my dreams tonight my precious boy

Love you forever,
Mummy

1 week 'til Christmas

Hi Monkey,
Today was my last day of work before the holidays.
It went pretty good.. the kids sang well at the concert.

I missed you a lot today.. just letting you know.. I think of you constantly.

Today Mummy and Daddy went to the Dr. about having a brother or sister for you. Mummy needs to take medicine at certain times and go to lots and lots of Doctor appointments for blood tests and ultrasounds.. but eventually.. hopefully sooner than later we will be pregnant with your sibling! I can't wait! It will be so hard, because the baby will not be you.. and won't ever replace you.. and Mummy will be so worried about the new baby being sick as well.. BUT as you know, Mummy and Daddy are good parents, and really want a child here on earth with us for a long, long time.

Love you Noah, just checking in to remind you how much I LOVE you, and to let you know about our Dr. appointment.

Love you, Love you, Love you
Mummy

December

Well.. It is officially the Christmas Season.. last your you would ahve heard Christmas in my belly... lots of jingly music and the sound of crunching paper.. from opening gifts... this year.. it is so hard. I didn't think Christmas would ever behard... I didn't think that those two words.. hard and Christmas would be in the same sentence.
On saturday we went to the Mall to look for a coat for daddy.. and boy, was it hard.. strollers, babies, kids, happy parents, happy families.. all so excited for the season, so exicted to see Santa.. I couldn't stand it without you. I needed to leave.. so we did.
That probably would have been the weekend that we brought you to have your picture taken with Santa. Oh.. how I would love to see what you would have looked like at 8 months old! so handsome i'm sure!

I love you Noah.. I'll write more in a couple week, when school closes for the holidays... I'll be at home, and bored...
I miss you every second of the day... still... beleive me.. time doesn't heal...these scars won't heal... only two days, but too many memories to heal, good memories!
I love you I love you I love you

Mummy

Long time

Hi Monkey,
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written to you,.. alot has happened!
On Saturday, Mummy and Daddy had about 30 people over to the house, and they all went to see your tree. Jamie- you know, the one who put water on your face before you went to heaven, he spoke a bit, and then Mummy and Daddy said stuff.
It was ncie to have everyone here.
I also don't think I told you that Poppy developed a scholorship/endowment fund in your name... it's called "The Noah Awards"- it's a great idea and it makes all of us happy to know that there is a permanant thing put in place as a sort of memorial for you- that also helps others!!
Then.. on sunday, SickKids has a NICU remembrance service for the families whose babies died at SickKids over the past year.

Mummy and Daddy might put our Christmas tree up this weekend.. I am kind of looking forward to putting all the special ornaments that remind me of you on the tree.
christmas won't be the same this year though not without you here.. when you ere supposed to be.

Also, Mummy and Daddy are one step closer to making you a big brother... we have to get help to do it though, unfortunatly ... but we're getting there.. hopefully soon I will be able to announce it to you! that you will be a big brother!!!! ,.. but not yet.. slowly but surely.

Well.. we love you Noah.. we love you so much. you are the best thing that ever happened to your daddy and I.
Love
Mummy

Love

Love you little man..
Miss you so much..
Wish you were here with me..
Love you forever..
Mummy

Cuba

Hi Monkey Man,

Well.. Mummy and Daddy just got back from Cuba. We had a good time! The first few days were really sunny.. but the rest of the days were dull and rainy. It didn't matter much though, because Mummy and Daddy had each other to keep them company. I just am not as tanned as I wish I was!!

It was nice to get away from everything in Canada... nice to be around people who don't look at us with that 'pity face' and try to make us feel better... Nice to sort of take a break from this crazy year... but hard to come back to it...urgh... if only we could go to Cuba once a month!

We miss you so much baby boy. others have stopped talking about you, and asking about you.. but don't worry ... we never will. You are on Mummy and Daddy's heart and mind every single day. people say it gets easier.. but I think it just gets more regular to be here with out you... not any easier.. just that we are more used to it. How can it get easier when there is no way you can ever come back to us.. it can't.

Well baby bear.. we love you more than anything.

Love,
Mummy and Daddy

October

Hi Monkey

Lots of things have happened this month.. and it isn't even over yet.

You would have been 6 months old on the 6th. It was so tough for me, because I really wanted you to be here.. and I wanted to see the progress you would have made... sitting up, eating some smooshy food, smiling, learning to crawl.. your personality would have been out even more by now.

Mummy and Daddy also booked a trip to Cuba for the end of the month. That should be a relaxing trip for us... let the 'big guy' know and maybe he can send us lots of sunshine!!

Also, we went to Kingston for Thanksgiving- that was interesting.. mummy and daddy cooked a whole big turkey for that side of the family. I think we did a good job :)
I wish you were there to eat the carrotts. Daddy got sad when he was peeling them, because he would have been peeling them for you, and then using the blender to smoosh them up. He went to get a radio so he didn't have the quiet... he finds when it is quiet ... he is more sad. he wants to be happy that you weere here,.... not sad that you are gone.

Wel... I should go... I have to go to work
Mummy and daddy love you more than anything else.
Love you,
Mummy

MUAH

Love you.. wish I could give you a big bear hug and a big sloppy kiss.

I'll write more soon.. promise

Love,
Mummy

Wall

Hi Baby Boy,

I couldn't do it today. I couldn't face the world of people who don't understand and seem like they don't care. I couldn't put up that new 'wall' I have to wear constantly while at work so that people think I am ok. Today I needed a day to just be me, who lost you, who is eternally sad, and won't ever get better. Today I needed to stay in bed as long as I wanted, and cry as much as I wanted, with noone to judge me, or try to make me feel better. I want to be sad today.

Today, my love, you are 6 months old. If you were with me, we would be making yummy food for you, you would probably be crawling soon, you could use your high chair. You would have changed so much. And Daddy and I will never ever get to see those changes in you. Everyday is hard.. but today would have been an exciting milestone for you... you would have learned so much... come so far... loved so much.. been so happy.. and I would have too.

I'll Love You Forever... Forever is so long without you my boy... so long.
Mummy

Alone

Hi Monkey,

I'm all alone this weekend.. well not all alone, some people have been over here and there.. but your daddy isn't here.. so I feel alone.
I miss you more when he isn't here.. because I am missing both of my best boys.

I love you Noah... I love you more than these words could ever say...

Mummy

Fun Run

Hi Noah..
We had the Fun Run on saturday! it was great.. I felt so special and loved to have so many friends come out as part of 'Team Noah' for you!

Your tree is going to be planted soon!! Yippy!! It will be so nice to be able to walk down and see your tree every day afterwork with your Casey Puppy!!

We love you Noah..
I miss you so much
Mummy

The Dance, By garth brooks

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance.

Love

I love you
I miss you
I need a cuddle

Love, Mummy
xoxo

It's Friday

Hi Monkey!
Finally it's friday! It feels like I have been waiting forever for this weekend.
It's been a long week.

Daddy is fixing the front stairs- I think they are going to look really nice :)

Casey has been a pretty good boy latly.. not barking at too many people! I wish you had gotten to meet him!! You would have loved him.

The Kitties are good too.. they are still pretty cuddly!

We all miss you a lot
I'm sorry we haven't been to Kingston to 'see you' lately. I've missed seeing your little monument. We are going to go for Thanksgiving this year.. and Bryar's Mommy and Daddy might come and see you too! I think that would be nice for ya!

I love you forever
I like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Love, Mummy xoxox

Thankful

HI Monkey..
I've been thinking about you A LOT this past week.. I am contantly thinking about you.. but this week is different.. it is an extra hard week. So, I've been trying to think of things that will make me happy.. because I know you would want me to be happy... So I am going to write you a list of little things I am thankful for... since there is so much bad stuff that happened to you.. I want you to know about all the GOOD stuff.. the little stuf that we forget sometimes.

I am thankful that I got pregnant with you so quickly, and didn't have to wait for you to me in belly
I am thankful that you got to go on 2 trips to Newfoundland, my favourite place (you were in my belly)
I am thankful that I wasn't sick during my pregnancy with you
I am thankful that I was a 'cute' pregnant person!
I am thankful that I had so many ultrasounds and got to see you growing
I am thankful that we got a 3D4D ultrasound, and that you looked to peaceful
I am thankful that we got a teddy for each grandma with your heartbeat in it
I am thankful that we found out your gender
I am thankful that we named you before you were born
I am thankful that you were named a strong, family name that means a lot to both sides of the family
I am thankful that your grandparents were so happy that you were on your way, and so supportive during the pregnancy
I am thankful that my best friends threw me baby showers
I am thankful that you got to have a christmas while in my belly
I am thankful that you got christmas presents that christmas
I am thankful that we have christmas ornaments that remind us of you
I am thankful that we took time, and love into planning your nursery
I am thankful that we chose to use froggies in your room
I am thankful that I got 41 1/2 weeks with you in my belly
I am thankful that your grandma and poppy came to visit for so long before you were born
I am thankful that I finished work 2 weeks before you were born and had time to really feel you move and kick without the stress of work
I am thankful that you were born at the beginning of a month (I know that is weird, but I like the beginning of months better!)
I am thankful that you were born in the spring
I am thankful that your great nanny, and all your great grammpies went to heaven before you, so they could take care of you for me
I am thankful that you were so perfect when you were born
I am thankful that your daddy was by my side when you were born
I am thankful that your daddy got to hold you and take pictures of you for one whole hour before any one else, that was your special time
I am thankful that when I held you, you kept your eyes open to see me
I am thankful that I felt an instant bond with you
I am thankful that you look like your daddy, and your mummy
I am thankful that all your grandparents were here for your birth
I am thankful for how excited your family and our friends were about you being here
I am thankful for getting a single room at the hospital
I am thankful for a nurse named Clover
I am thankful that we live near the best children's hospital in the country- where you got the best care possible
I am thankful that the doctors and nurses at SickKids seemed to be compassonate people
I am thankful that we had 2 beautiful days with you
I am thankful that you were baptized
I am thankful that Lori gave you clothes to wear after your surgery
I am thankful that you stayed alive after your surgery for us to say goodbye
I am thankful that I sang you a song
I am thankful that daddy read you a book
I am thankful that your grandma and poppy got to sing the song they made up for you
I am thankful that everyone got to hold you
I am thankful that before you died you squeezed my hand and opened your eyes
I am thankful that I felt such an unconditional love
I am thankful that once you were ready, you passed away quickly and without pain
I am thankful that you are so beautiful
I am thankful that we have so many pictures of you
I am thankful for the pictures that Lori took
I am thankful for the molds of your hands
I am thankful that we didn't have to give you an autopsy because we were certain of how you died
I am thankful that Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate could come to your services
I am thankful that people could see your beautiful face
I am thankful for the little outfit that your great gramma made, that you are wearing now
I am thankful for businesses in Kingston that were very generous
I am thankful for the family support we received and are still recieving
I am thankful that I learned some new things since you were born
I am thankful that you have touched so many people's lives
I am thankful that butterflies, frogs and g-rafs remind me of you
I am thanksful that 2008 is the 'Year of the Frog' - it really is!
I am thankful that your daddy is the most wonderful man in the world
I am thankful for organizations that help suppoer people who lose their babies, and who 'get it'
I am thankful that I am living- although some days it is hard
I am thanksul for the internet, where I met so many great mommys to so many other angels
I am thankful that I know I will never forget you
I am thankful for your life
I am thankful that you are my first born child
I am thankful that noone will ever replace you
I am thankful that you have helped us through these past few months
I am thankful that daddy and I are trying to make you a big brother
I am thankful for YOU!

And that is just the 'I am thankful for's ' that I could think of on the spot... see... you did so much.. you made me so happy! Life isn't the same without you.. but I wouldn't have taken away any of the moments I had with you

I love you Noah..

Mummy