Mummy for the 2nd time

Good morning my little man, 

Mummy is sitting downstairs on this Sunday morning- the TV isn't plugged in, because Daddy has been busy this weekend doing the baseboards- Daddy is still sleeping right now- the kitties are walking around, and your Casey -dog is upstairs with Daddy getting as much sleep as he can. 

In some ways- it is nice to be down here alone- just talking to you- reading other people's blogs, listening to the sounds of cars passing by the street, and the furnace kick in and out. but in some ways- it is so sad... if you were here- you'd be 18 months old- my guess is that you would be up and I wouldn't be on this darn computer- I'd be playing with you, making you breaky, taking your dog for a walk with you- bundling you up to go to the park- or making fun plans on how to wake up daddy- i figure tickles and hugs work best! 

All of these 'ifs' that won't even happen. 

It will be weird to be a mum again.. I know I am your Mummy, and I wll always be your Mummy.. but people here on earth, especially ones who don't know me, or who don't get this life at all- they don't get that I am already a Mummy.  It will be hard for me, Noah, to raise your sister- knowing that she is my second beautiful baby- but also doing everything for the first time- other than the stuff that happens in the first two days. I have a child- but.. I've never brought one home... this will be very emotional for Mummy.. I'm pretty sure she won't know what to do with herself!!I know Charlotte will be a girl, and she will be different than you- BUT.. everything will remind me of you, my guess is, even more than it does now.. she will have her own beautiful smell, as you did- but holding her will remind me of you, all the things I will hopefully get to do with her will remind me of what I didn't get to do with you. 

Others are so excited about your sister- and don't' worry- so am I!!  but- I think so many are so excited because having Charlotte will 'bring my joy back', or 'make me happy again', or 'help me get through life without you'..... none of this will happen without my 'Cherry on top'  (that's you by the way!).Sure Mummy will be happy, she is now a lot of the time, you know that... but having Charlotte will not change anything about how I feel about you, how I miss you, or how I love you. I guess people will be happy that life around me will be less awkward for them... less talking about a dead child - no one wants to talk about that, now really- because there will be someone else to talk about... less awkwardness when deciding whether or not I get invited to a baby shower, less awkwardness when they are around me and I get asked how many children I have, or if this is my first pregnancy, less awkwardness altogether. They can call me a Mum without second guessing themselves, they can talk about their babies and children without feeling guarded and wondering if I am going to break down in tears, or how I am feeling inside.

little do they know- yes, it's less awkward perhaps for them- but I will get these questions and comments my entire life 'how many children do you have', 'which pregnancy is this', 'who is that child in the picture', 'why  is there a Noah on your family tree as your son? where is he?'...Charlotte will get these same questions- and over time- she will learn her own way of answering them, in a way that helps her deal with not having her older brother, in a way that helps her get through life with as much happiness yet, contentness as possible. 

It's hard having you there, and me here in the silence of our house.. it's your house to you know.

It's just hard- sometimes I hate the universe and everything that comes with it. 

Going from 26.5 pretty much perfect years to this is hard... so hard... a challenge I wasn't ready for, and was unwilling to be ready for- one that I had no choice but to accept.  I'm sorry it was you.. I'm sorry I lost you.. I'm sorry you are not here with Mummy making a plan to wake up Daddy.. I'm sorry you won't get to see your little sister grow up and be here with her as she does, I'm sorry your life was so short. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry... Mummy doesn't know what else to say anymore- I know your death wasn't my fault- but...who else is there to say they are sorry- Mummy's are supposed to make everything better..everything right.. I"m sorry I'll never be able to do that for you. 

I love you Noah- more than life itself... I will always love you- no matter what else happens in my life. 

Where ever you are, or are not- I hope you can at the very least feel the love I have for you.  

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

as long as I'm living

my baby you'll be

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Turkey day

Happy Thanksgiving baby boy!

Hope Nanny makes you a wonderful turkey up there with lots of yummy stuffing! That's mummy's favourite part! don't forget to eat your veggies too though!

Love you.. we will be at Grammies.
Love you forever,
Mummy

Big Brother duties

Hi Baby boy,

Well.. your little sister is on her way very soon, you must be excited! I can only imagine how excited you would have been if you were here... kissing mummy's tummy, and wanting to buy stuff for your Charlotte.
I've been thinking a lot lately about older brothers.  I  had your uncle Peter when I was little- he was a great big brother- he read to me, played with me, helped change my diapers- then, when I got a bit older- he made me feel safe at school, he threatened kids who bullied me, he comforted me at my granddaddies funerals... sure- he was sometimes a big brat- and did some annoying things too.. but he was there- a big brother protector for his little sister- whom he loved, and still loves.
I'm sad sometimes that you will not be able to do all that for Charlotte- she will have an older brother- obviously- who loves her from afar and will protect her from afar- but what about the bullies, and the kids who throw rocks at her, and her first day of kindergarten... what about the diaper changing and reading... what about the long talk- and even the annoying brat like behaviour of beheading Barbie dolls... I'm sad that you and her will miss all that... she has a big brother.. but an 'invisible' big brother.. a big brother, who will not be seen by others- only talked about with the highest of praise- because of course- you are perfect- you never had a chance to do wrong.... .. I hope it won't be too hard for Charlotte... having a big brother.. but not.. all at the same time.. I know it is hard for some younger siblings that I have met, whose only sibling had passed away.  I imagine there will be times when she just wishes we didn't have to talk about you and you could just be here... those times are constant for Mummy.

Anyway... that's been on my mind a lot latly... big brother duty.. and how it will be so different for her than it was for me, and than it is for most others.
I'm sorry you aren't here to be a wonderful, bratty, annoying and protective big brother.. I'm sorry that's been taken from you.
Protect her from a far..

Love you forever,
Mummy

Blog change

Charlotte's BlogI've just realized that Charlotte's blog is now hard to get to. Before, we thought her name would start with an N, but it didn't end up that way.. mostly because we couldn't agree on one.. anyway. I've changed the name of the URL because it didn't make sense for charlotte. It seems that it is now hard for those of you who were following that blog as well to find her blog. just incase- the new URL is cherishingcharlotte.blogspot.com  ... hope you find it ok. if not, let me know!

Jane

I love you, I'm sad that you're not here, but I'm glad you are you.

as so many say 'I'm the luckiest unlucky girl I know'

Love you forever,

Mummy

I wish

Hi Baby boy..

I miss you.. I always will.. I wish this was all just a bad dream.. I wish that I could have you back to stay..I wish, I wish, I wish.... I wish doesn't even seem like the right word.. it's more than a wish- it's a need.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Morning

Good Morning Little Man,

Daddy and I went to visit Kingston on the weekend, so we went to the cemetery to visit your site as well. There is a chipmunk living under your flowers- I bet you'd love chipmunks!

Grammie doesn't like them though- they scare her everytime!

Just wanted to let you know that I love you, and I wanted to say Hello, and Good morning.

This is Mummy's first day at work with the kids for this school year- hopefully it goes well.

I love you Noah- I wish you were here with Daddy and I.

Love you forever,

Mummy

Honest Scrap Award

I've been given an Honest Scrap award by Akul's Mama , at http://aajaakul.blogspot.com/ . Thanks!

"This award is for bloggers who post from their heart, those who write from the depths of their soul."

There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:
Beth - http://stillmybabykatie.blogspot.com/

Heather - http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com/

Rebekah - http://mylifeafterlevi.blogspot.com/

Rachel - http://sweetangelmemories.blogspot.com/

Sarah - http://footprintsofangels.blogspot.com/

Cameron's Mom- http://www.lifewithoutcameron.com/

Sally - http://tuesdayshope.blogspot.com/

10 honest things about me:

1. I am much less 'OK' than most people in my daily life think I am. For some reason I portray this image of a strong, 'with it', 'together' woman-- people do'nt realize that I'm not.

2. I wish I were younger- even though I am already young- I wanted to be finished having my children by now- and to the world, I am just beginning.

3. I don't dream about Noah- but I wish I did

4. I secretly love reality TV!... I know, I know!

5. My last truly happy day was April 7th 2008. I have come to grips with the fact that none of my days will ever be this happy, as I will never have my complete family here with me. I will never be truly complete here on earth without Noah.

6. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor... now, I'm terrified of them, and nurses, and hospitals, and any opinion they may have.

7. I could work harder at my job.

8. The past 17 months has felt so long, yet has also been a blur- which I can't escape from.

9. I hate when people ask me 'how are you feeling', in regards to the pregnancy, and then say things like 'How have the ultrasounds been', I say.. 'fine' they say, 'well, you have nothing to worrry about then- you will have a healthy baby'. It makes me want to shake them and say- Noah was thought to be 'healthy' until about 12 hours before he died in my arms.

10. blogging helps me grieve- it helps me think- it helps me be me- somewhere where people understand what it might be like to be me- somewhere where speaking of a dead baby is not taboo, and is not reacted to by turning away in awkwardness. Thank you all for that.

Well, That's that.

happy blogging everyone

Hello Baby Noah,

Another one of those blog posts that isn't a letter to you- must be confusing sometimes! But you're a smart boy, you'll figure it out!

Gramma and Grampy arrive today with Auntie Kristin.

I wish you were here to see them,

Love you forever,

Mummy

Goodnight my beautiful prince...

Love you forever,

Mummy

Beauty

Hi Baby boy-

I hope wherever you are- you are told how beautiful you are.

I was thinking about that last night... it's so sad how many people didn't get to see your beauty, your handsomness, your absolute purity and innocence that pictures just can't grasp. The life that was in you in your short life was more than some adults have in their long number of years- you were full of life, full of wonder, full of beauty- your eyes were big- as if you knew you had to open them wide to see all you could see before you were gone.... such a beauty

I was one of the lucky few to see such beauty.

Just thought I'd let you know...

I love you forever,

Mummy

Your tree

Hi Monkey,

The other day, Daddy and I placed a geocache by your tree!

It's name is 'Noah's Cache'

So now, people, whoever else plays the game, and goes to find it- will also find your tree- and be able to stop for a moment and realize how special you are!

We hid it under the green frog that used to be in our garden- it has a hole in its bum- so we hid it in there! he he he.

for those of you who don't know what geocaching is- it is a wonderful family activity that is like a scavenger hunt all over the world. All you need is the internet, and a cheap GPS ( www.geocaching.com )

Just thought i'd let you know- lots of people have already found it!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Good Day

Hi baby boy,

Mummy just wanted to let you know that she is having a good day down here! I'm a little bored being off work.. but like it better than working, so I can't complain!

I hope you are having a good day too. I love you. I miss you

Love you forever,

Mummy

Hope

Dearest Boy,

Today I'm thinking alot about hope... Hope- as in, hope for our future as your family, and Hope- as in, a wonderful women I know's little girl, whose 1st birthday it is in heaven.

I remember your first birthday- it was so hard for Mummy and Daddy, mostly the lead up to it was hard, because I didn't know how I was going to deal with it.. and you know Mummy... always needing to be prepared. But, how can you prepare for the loss of your child, your first child, after a wonderful pregnancy.. like you, my Noah, and Sally and Simon's Hope.

Today will be a hard day for Hope's Mummy and Daddy too.. everyday is a hard day for someone whose lost a child- but the first birthday- that's the toughest so far.

I miss you Noah, I wish you were here to see Mummy's tummy growing because of your baby sister- I wish you were here to help us pick out some clothes for her, and to come to the hospital to see her when she is born... I wish, I wish, I wish... these wishes will never be granted.

I wish noone else would ever lose a child-- this wish can never be granted either.

I wish Hope's parents and the little, beautiful little boy growing inside her Mummy's tummy find peace today, some solace from the ongoing storm of grief, and some comfort that they have a beautiful daughter watching over them, knowing that she is loved. I hope this wish is granted.

Love you forever,

Mummy

we're back!

Daddy and Casey
Mummy and Charlotte
Your name in the sand in the evening
the froggy that came to visit us!
the geese flying by!

Hi Baby Boy,

Cottage was great fun for Daddy and I, and Casey! Casey puppy learned how to swim!!! I'm going to upload some pictures, and maybe even a video for you!

Love you forever,

Mummy

Hi Monkey,

Well sweet darling boy, Daddy and I are going away for a little while. We have booked a cottage up North where I don't think there will be any internet service, and even if there is- I need a break.
I know I don't write religiously every week anyway- but, just in case you miss me, you know where I am.

Daddy and I plan to relax, go in the canoe, sit by the fire, cuddle lots- all these things we would have done with you this year too.. you would fit in a life jacket by now, and could go out canoeing with Daddy and I and your puppy Casey. I wish you were here..... I wish Daddy had gotten the chance to teach you about fires, and canoeing. He loves you so much.

We;ll be back next week. Don't forget how much we love and miss you my sweet, sweet boy. You are so loved- and although all I have are pictures and memories-- I love you more each day-- even without seeing your growing, beautiful, happy face that you would have right now if you were with me.. more each day.

I love you forever,
Mummy