i miss you

Noah,
I've been missing you so much over these past few days. I've been feeling sorry for myself. It just isn't fair that you aren't here with me. Holiday or no holiday... I miss you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

for kids

Christmas... a time for kids.. for magic.. for joy.. for family.

It's just not the same without you, Noah.

We love you so, so, so much.

We miss you this Christmas, and always.

Love you forever,
Mummy

the little things

Dear Noah,

Sometimes it's hard to think about all the things that could have been.

It's been the little things latly- the things that really, in the big scheme of things, don't matter.

Things like... what you would get for Christmas this year? What would you be 'in' to- toy cars? a tv show? barney? trains? doggies?
What size would you wear? Would you be long and lean like your little sister and daddy? Would you be short like Mummy? What would be your favourite colour? Would you like to dress yourself and wear a tie randomly, and shorts on some winter days?
Would Grandma have made you another quilt, for your bed (because you'd be in a real bed now) ?
Would Mummy have gone back to work when you were a year old?
Would you be in daycare? Which daycare would you be in..

So many questions... left unanswered... only to dream about, think about... never to come true.

Oh how I wish I knew your smell, the colour of your hair, the feel of your hugs.

How I wish that Charlotte, Daddy and I had you here with us. It really would be a better place.

I love you, I miss you..

Love you forever,
Mummy

Pie Throwing Festival!!

I am indulging in Carlys Pie Throwing Festivities

This pie-lets say Blueberry pie- gets thrown right into the face of people who think I am less than I am, and dont take the time to notice the difference. If we all just saw the good in things, the good in people. Used compassion instead of insult and anger, patience instead of hostility....  Ah.. off my chest.... thanks Carly!

Anyway, our family is on the move- a huge move, accross the country. Weève moved out of our first home together, our belonging are on a big truck being driven accross the country, we are visiting family along the way. And despite how crazy this sounds- it feels good. Matt and I were talking as we left our house- said good by to the rooms, the spots etc.... how we cant say goodbye to the memories- they come along with us in this ride of life. We realized how happy we were as we left- how at peace we both are with this deicision (and this says a lot of my anxious and worrysome way!)... this is good... it feels good... we are at peace!

 

Noah--

We love you! Going to see Kimmy tomorrow! and visting the cemetary too!

Love you forever,

Mummy

 

Insert 2 1/2 year old boy....

Hi Baby boy..

We got 'family' pictures done the other month. Family pictures- although wonderful- have always been a sore spot for me. It was one of the first things I thought of when I realized that I would never be really, truly, PERFECTLY happy again. That a family picture- will never truly be a family picture. How can it be without you here??   I am very happy right now- life is grand. But it isn't perfect- perfection doesn't come for a family after a child dies. Might seem harsh for me to say to those who haven't lost a child- but in my eyes. It's the raw truth. Our reality. You were perfect- you are perfect- but you aren't here- you died-- so how can life be perfect for me- it can't. end. of.

Anyway... Emily, the photographer knows all about you- because her little boy Kai, and Charlotte are friends! She got some great pictures with Milton, your froggy in them- not nearly as wonderful as it would have been to have you in them... but as perfect as this non-perfect family picture can get!.
How I wish I could just insert a 2 1/2 year old boy, on his daddy's back, hugging his sister, or looking at his Mummy... not any 2 1/2 year old boy though- nope- just you!

Here are some of our pictures- the ones with your froggie... Hope you love them! isn't your sister getting big?

Add caption

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Back at SickKids

I love you baby bear.... forever.

Mummy, Daddy and Charlotte went to SickKids today to visit with Lori. Lori is the Palliative Care/Bereavement Coordinator at the NICU at SickKids, and because your time there was so short, she was the nurse whom we had the most contact.
It was nice to see her, we went down to the cafeteria and talked for about 2 hours! She hadn't met Charlotte- so it was nice for her to see her.

It wasn't as hard to be there as it was the first time I went back. I think having Charlotte makes it a little easier- because I'm not quite as jealous of all the babies being wheeled around and thriving.. although little boys still pull at my heart strings, I think they always will.
I thought I'd post some more pictures here! I didn't share many pictures at the beginning of my blogging days, because I really didn't know how to upload them- then, once I figured it all out- I didn't really do it much on your blog, mostly on your sisters. Anyway- here are a few photo's of you.. it's amazing how different you look from when you were born, to when you were sick, 2 days later. But- still my little boy, always my little boy...

HERE YOU  are being held up by the nurse when we were in the recovery room! you had a good set of lungs!

Here you are in your little Noah's Ark sleeper! so cute! and so tiny! That's Grammie's hand on your chest! and.. you are wearing the mystery bib. I have kept everything, and have held on so, so , so tight to everything you touched. But.. I can't find that bib. It's been driving  me CRAZY for 2.5 years. CRAZY. I figured maybe i'd find it when I packed up the house for the move.. but not yet.  It's sad to me- you touched it- it was yours... now it's gone. 

I love this picture- I call it your burrito picture- because, well, you look like a burrito! All wrapped up in your blanket!

Here you are with your cute little lips! and Holding on to Grandma's hand!

and here you are... at Sickkids, as we said goodbye. After a surgery that couldn't save you. the beginning a lifetime of tears for a Mummy. 

Love you Love you Love you

Love you Forever, 

Mummy

Bittersweet day

Dear Noah,

I had one of those bitter-sweet days today.

I am in the process of starting to organize things to pack for our move. Today, during Charlotte's nap (because that's the only time I can really pack, or do anything for the move... ahhh,... 4 weeks away!!) anyway... today, I organized and packed up your stuff. Daddy made a pine chest, sort of like a big toy box for al your things. I got to look at it all again. It's something I don't do very often. We have reminders of you, and pictures of you all over the house, but I rarely look at the other things. They're neatly packed away.
It was nice to look at them. to touch your hospital bracelets, smell your blanket, and the outfits you wore, look at more of your pictures, read letters and cards people wrote, look at pictures and cards that my school kids made for me- before you were born, and then, after you died.

It's so nice to see and touch these things- but it's so hard too. It's part of my life- it is my life- my son died, my first born baby didn't get to grow up, we loved him, we held him, we kissed him and sang to him, and then- he was gone- it was gone- the future was gone. Life changed. These things are a reminder of that too- the anger, sadness, bitterness, loneliness, the lost future that we had planned.

It's hard to look at all your things sometimes, but it will never be all bad- it can't be when it has to do with you- my perfect little baby boy.

On another note- a neighbours mother died today. Mrs. Calvert. She was one of the few people that really knew you- touched you, held you, kissed you. I hope she is whereever you are- maybe she'll hold you again- maybe that will remind you of our time together.

I love you my baby boy. I miss you so much. I wish you were coming with us on our big move to Newfoundland.  You would love it there- it's the perfect place for a little boy.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Breakfast

Hi Baby Boy,

I miss you so much this morning. Your sister woke up, and went back for a nap pretty much right away. I wish you were here to have breakfast with me! Maybe we'd make eggs, or waffles, or pancakes! Maybe we'd sit at the table, or sit on the couch and watch cartoons! Maybe we'd be silly and sing songs after breakfast while holding spoons like mircophones- but not too loud, so we wouldn't wake your sister.

Instead, I am going to have toast, and watch the news. BORING!

At least I get to write to you.

I love you more and more and more.
I wish you were here... for me, for daddy and for your sister.
We all miss you, and love you.

Love you forever,
Mummy

Giveaway- WE HAVE A WINNER!!

Thank you to all of those who entered my 1st Giveaway!
It's been a crazy couple weeks, and so I have just gotten around to the draw now! Sorry to keep you on your toes!

I used the random number generator on random.org... but because I am not all that computer savvy, I can't figure out how to save it as a picture to post here.. so you will have to beleive me when I say, that the random number that it came up with, between 1 and 12, was 3.

congrats, Tiffany, You've won!

If you could email me at janesk8 (at) hotmail (dot) com, with your contact information, and the florish or rosette you would like from Fran's Etsy shop  . Then I can get it to you ASAP!

Congratulations!
Hope to have another giveaway soon!

Thanks for following, reading, supporting, and loving!

Jane

50 Followers **Giveaway!**

50 Followers- WoW!

I've decided to hold my first giveaway for this milestone! I've been trying to decide what to giveaway- and I've decided to help out a fellow BLM!
Franchesca from Small Bird Studio does a number of art type things -blog makeovers, canvas work  etc. I've decided that for my first giveaway I will be offering a flourish or rosette of the winners choice from Fran's Etsy Shop.

Like- the Jenna Belle Rosette with alligator clip or broach pin

Or, Maybe you'd choose the Amy Rosette?

Or, Perhaps, the Nancy Flourish?

Go to the Etsy Shop to choose the one you'd like!! 

But- How do you win?

There are a few ways:

1. Become a follower of this blog

2. Become a follower of my other blog (Cherishing Charlotte)

3. Make a blog post about this giveaway, so others can find it too!

4 Grab my button (from my sidebar) and put it on your site

5. Look at the Small Bird Studio Etsy Shop and let me know which Flourish or Rosette you'd love to have it you win! 

**Please post a separate comment for each entry**

I will be taking entries until October 6th, which happens to be Noah's 2 1/2 year birthday (30 months).  Stay Tuned for the lucky winner!

Good Luck! 

Jane

Perfect

Hi Noah Bear, 

Sometimes I think about how it's nice that I will never be upset at you, or angry at you.. I won't ever be disappointed in a choice you've made, thought your decisions weren't thought about well enough. I won't even have to tell you 'No', give you a time out, send you to your room. 

Really- I'd trade all that obviously to have you here- you could be a holy terror and I'd still rather have you here. 

But.. since you aren't, and that can't change, no  matter how hard I try.. at least you were, are and will be perfect.

Poor Charlotte- has a perfect Brother! don't worry-  I don't expect perfection from a little girl finding her place in the baby/toddler world! 

That was just on my mind this morning.

I love you baby boy

Love you forever, 

Mummy

Why?

I should be hearing 'Why?', from a little toddler about 100 times a day

Instead, I hear 'Why?', from myself about 100 times a day.

What a realization.

Why him? Why us? Why that? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

You've Taught Me

Hi Noah, 

I was thinking while I was driving today that you've taught me a lot- mostly indirectly- but many of these things, because of you, I have learned- or I have at least realized throughout the past 29 months.

You've taught me:

-how precious and fragile life can be.

-to be easier on myself 

-that what other people think doesn't really matter

-that some friends really weren't friends

-that no matter how hard I try, I'm not in control my life, or anyone elses. 

-that your Daddy is the best Daddy to you and your sister

-that love is a precious thing, that should be cherished.

-that stuff isn't as important as people, feelings and time

-that the little interruptions and disappointments in life don't matter much

-that everyone has a tragedy in their life, if we'd only stop to listen, or ask

-that generally, people aren't good listeners

-that being a Mummy to a baby who isn't here is really tough.. but, 

-that being a Mummy is the most wonderful thing in the world- baby here or not.

-that the sun rises and sets each day, no matter what we do

-to make the best out of my life

-that places aren't where you are- instead you are everywhere and everything

-that children are worth living for

-that memories are worth a lot 

-family matters and I depend on them probably more than I should

There's so much more, You've taught me a little about everything. Everything I do is shaped because of you- your life, your death.

I love you baby boy. Love Love Love

Love you forever, 

Mummy 

Moving

Dear Noah Bear, 

I love you.. so, so, so, so much. 

We visited you on the weekend! Your stone looks nice, all shiny- and your flowers are still growing nicely. Grammie put a cute froggie solar light there too!  Daddy and I miss you so much!  


In the future, we won't be able to visit you as much at the cemetary.But you know that that's ok- because you know that the cemtary isn't the only place where you are. NOPE-  you are everywhere- you are in the laughs of your sister, you are in the leaves of the trees falling towards the ground, you are in the rising  sun and the shining moon. But most of all- you are in my heart. You will always be in Mummy's heart- no matter what happens, no matter who happens. Always. 


Mummy, and Daddy and Charlotte are moving to Newfoundland. It's a big move, and maybe even a risky one. It's a move that Daddy and I have been talking about for 9 years. it's been a long time coming. Once Mummy's family moved to Ontario in 1993 I just assumed I would never live in Newfoundland again- then, once I feel in love with a mainlander (that's your daddy) I really knew I'd never live in Newfoundland again. It was sad- but your daddy is worth it! 
Then.. Daddy and I took a road trip a long, long time ago- a road trip to Newfoundland so that Daddy could meet my extended family and see this land that I had been marveling about. it was winter- the weather was bad, the roads were bad, and we didn't even see any moose- even though Daddy was constantly on the look out. But.... Daddy fell in love. Daily while we were there, and at least weekly after he talked about Newfoundland- the people, the food, the land, the pace of life, the history and culture.  Mummy began to realize that it wasn't just me who had a longing in the back of my brain... it was Daddy too. 


Charlotte is little, Mummy isn't working, and Daddy doesn't love his job- Brampton is becoming more and more violent (or maybe we are just noticing it more because of you and Charlotte). We've been talking about taking this risk for years- we've never done it because there has always been something holding us back. But we're doing it. We're going to move to Newfoundland. Pack up and go. it will be hard- it many ways- but it will be worth it, and we'll be together, so that's all that matters!


It's very sad for your Grammie and Grampie. I am not sure that they understand our reasoning for going, nor if they support us in going- all I know is that they are sad. Of course they are- they won't get to see Charlotte quite as much- which is a sad thing- I know that would make me sad too. I think (and hope) that in time they will realize that this is the right decision of our little family, but for now- sadness is what it is.  


I love you my little mini monkey. I miss your top lip, your long fingers and your hairy ears! 
I so wish that you were here with us-- that we were making this move with 2 living children- 2 children that everyone could see and everyone would acknowledge- but instead- you'll just have to travel in my heart.  How about that little guy?!


Love you forever, 
Mummy

I wish I knew...

Hi Baby Bear,

I love you.
Do you know that?
I know I tell you often, But...
Do you feel it?
Can you feel it?
I wish I knew.



Your little sister is asleep right now, her tiny self on a big huge king sized bed, in a hotel room. Our floors are being redone after a flood in our house, and so, we had to move out because we wouldn't have access to a bathroom at our place- and that could be disastrous!

We're going to Kingston this weekend for Mummy's birthday. We go to Kingston most Labour Day weekends. Should be fun! Hopefully Grammie's pool is nice and warm- the weather has been hot lately- although I think it's supposed to rain this weekend- so we might be stuck inside most of the time!

I love you baby boy.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Saltwater Joys

Hi Baby Boy,

I"m in Trouty- it's a beautiful sunny day- a little wind, a little cool- but a beautiful Newfoundland day. Your sister is napping, your Grandma and Poppy are out helping the neighbours get organized for a community party tonight. All I can think of is you.

I look out the window and see the trees, the hills and mountains, the river leading into the Ocean. Three kitty-cats next door just waiting to be chased by a 2 year old boy. A little orchard, flower garden, vegetable garden- just waiting to be pounced on. A Poppy- loving his granddaughter more than anything in this world- but longing to hear the 'why's' of a 2 year old, yearning to take that 2 year old out fishing, down to the wharf, to touch the salt sea. A Grandma singing to her granddaughter and so proud- but behind it- missing the toddler, walking along side her down the lane, longing to have a tag-along to help pick blueberries- having to give your face a big wash when you come back because it's full of blue- and the basket is empty.

It is beautiful here, Noah. I feel closer to you, closer to God.  I even feel closer to myself.
It's calm- It's beautiful- It's right- It's home.
It's where I wish so much I could have raised you, and could raise your siblings.
It's where I wish everyone could see at least once in their lifetime- so they could have a glimpse into a world only miles away- but so different than their fast-paced-dirty-busy-smoggy place where most live.

I miss you my boy. I grieve for the time we would have had together- just doing nothing, just being ourselves.

for now, I will have to hang onto your little sister a little tighter... hold her a little closer, look deeply into her blueberry eyes- so I can see you- you will always be a part of her- the big brother, she'll never know.

I love you forever
Mummy



Saltwater Joys- one of my favourite, nostaligic songs. The lyrics are just amazing to me- and oh, so true

Normal

I 'lifted' this from Dana
It really does ring true!

What is "Normal"?

Author Unknown

• 
  
  Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

• Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 1st and Easter.

• Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
• Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

• Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

• Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

• Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

• Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

• Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

• Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

• Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby would have loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
• Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

• Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

• Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

• Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

• Normal is trying not to cry all day

• Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

• Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.

• Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

• Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

• Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

• Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

• Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

• Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

• Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have any children when asked, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you don't have any children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
• Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.

• Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

• Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
• Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

• And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". 
  
  
  
  
  Noah, 
  Daddy, Charlotte and I are going to go on vacation on Tuesday. We will miss you while we are there. We are going to see your cousin, Norah, Uncle Peter's little baby girl.  It might be a little sad for Mummy at times- Because Norah looks a little like you- and her name is so similar- and she was sick when she was born- but Mummy is also very excited about seeing and cuddling and kissing her. 
  
  
  We love you baby boy. Lots of extra hugs from Mummy.
  Love you forever, 
  Mummy
  
  
  
  

Noah, Hello Goodbye. I'll see you on the other side

** You will need to scroll down and pause the blog music so you can listen to the song.. or it might get confusing!

** There is no video- only audio.
This was written by the artist, Michael W. Smith, for friends of his, who lost their son, Noah, as an infant. He could have written it for me.

Here are the lyrics if you want to follow along

Hello, Goodbye- Michael W. Smith

Where's the Navigator of your destiny?
Where is the Dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and its brevity
'Cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbye
I will see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there, save me a place

A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just a while



******


I think I've shared these lyrics before. But I haven't been able to find an audio version until now- other than the one i bought on itunes. 


Jane

hi

Hi Baby Boy,
I love you.
I miss you so much
This summer I miss all the things that you and your little sister could be doing together
Swimming, going for walks/stroller rides, helping with the gardening, having afternoon naps, going over to friends houses.... it's not the same without you

I love you forever my beautiful baby boy,
Mummy

10th Annual Lucas Holtom Carnival

One of the ministers at the church we attend, North Bramalea United Church, has been a huge support for Matt and I.  Not only because he's a minister, and he's supposed to be of support to people- but because he understands- first hand.
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the Pine Lake Tornado, in Alberta, Canada, where Lucas Holtom, their 2 year old son, died. - so did 11 other people.
Here is a video of Jamie and Katrina being interviewed for the 10th anniversary
Once you are at the link, look to the right and click on 'CTV News Channel: Jamie and Katrina Holtom'

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20100714/pine-lake-tornado-anniversary-100714/ 

Here is beautiful Lucas

and his parents, at one of the 10 Lucas Holtom Carnivals!

Every year, there is a big, FREE carnival in Brampton, next to the church, called the Lucas Holtom Carnival. It's great tos ee the joy on kids and parents faces because of this free fun! It gets bigger every year!
Here is a picture of me this year, Matt and I volunteered!


Everyone has a tragedy in their live... but the death of a child... that's a big one.
Don't we know it.

Do you remember?

Dear Noah,

Do you remember coming into this world?
Do you remember your loud cry?
your long fingers?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our very first cuddle?
Do you remember how special it was?
Do you remember how we both instantly felt?
I knew I loved you- I knew life would never be the same
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember getting your diaper changed for the first time?
Your Grandmothers changed you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember our cuddles?
Do you remember how you felt on my chest?
Do you remember the love?
I do

Do you remember Mummy looking into your eyes?
I just couldn't stop
There was something so magical and loving about them
Do you remember looking back at Mummy?
Telling her all you needed to- with one glance?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember that one special cuddle?
You know the one- don't you?
On April 7th 2008- at about 9pm
When we thought you had years to live
That cuddle was so special
It's etched in Mummy's heart forever
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember them taking you away?
Into a land of beeping machines and plastic tubes
Do you remember Mummy crying and holding your hand?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember the new hospital?
Full of children
Do you remember the nurses, the surgeon?
They tried to help you
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember being wrapped in your green blanket?
Being held ever so gently by your family
Do you remember us singing to you?
The sound of your Mummy's voice, and your Daddy's tears?
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when you opened your eyes for the last time?
You looked at me
You looked at Daddy
You used everything you had to squeeze our hands
Do you remember?
I do

Do you remember when we let you go?
We had to.
You told us it was time
Do you remember taking a piece of me with you?
Do you remember feeling all our love?
Do you remember?
I do

Can you  still see me?
Loving you?
Taking care of you the only way we know how
Cherishing your Memory

Can you still see me?
Standing by your grave
Crying, hugging
Looking at all those babies who are with you
feeling sad for their parents too

Can you still see me?
Talking about you to your sister?
Putting your names in our songs?
Trying all we can to include you in everything

Can you still see me?
Crying at night?
trying to smile?
loving you?

Can you still see me?
I see you
Are you still with me?
You're with me
Am I still your mother?
You're my son
Do you still need me?
I need you.
Do you remember?
I do


I love you Noah.
Living without you doesn't get easier. It gets more normal- because I can't have it any other way.. but it doesn't get easier.
It's hot out today.... I'm sure we'd be swimming in the pool, and Charlotte would be napping in her stroller...instead, I'm writing this to you, and Charlotte is in her crib, napping.
I wish a lot of things were different
I wish I knew that I was a good mum
I wish I knew that I am a good mum
Today is a hard day for mummy.. nothing is going right, and it all remind me of how so much went right with you- and then.. one thing goes wrong- and my world as I know it is over.

I love you little guy.. you're the bestest boy in the world
Love you forever,
Mummy

Hi Baby... I love you.... forever
Mummy

bitter

Hi Noah,

Another week without you, boy oh boy. It's hard to think about sometimes.Not you- you're easy to thing about- but it's hard to think about the time I've spent without you. It's been 2 years, 2 months, 18days. I hate that the count will never end. It's not a count down... it's a count up to infinity- or at least, until I die too.

In so many ways I think I am a better Mummy because you were here. I think I am more sensitive to things that matter, and I take ever day and try to cherish it- because I never know when it will be taken away from me... again.
But, a conversation I had today with Daddy, made me think.. that in some ways.. I am not better. Well, that sounds like a given, I know! of course I"m not better, my son died before I even got to teach him to tie his shoes, ride his bike, wipe his bum, or clap his hands.
I think I am bitter. I am bitter that I will never be 'wonderful' again. sure I'm good, i'm fine, and I can even say I'm happy. But I will never be, Happier than ever, things will never be perfect. how can they be? If I say things are perfect my mind will go directly to you- how can things be perfect when you are not with us. How can things be perfect when we have a grave, and a tree to visit instead of pre-school concerts and soccer games? Life isn't perfect, hey, I know, know one's is. but really. I can say for sure, that I will never think my life is perfect.
I've accepted this truth for my life- but I still think it sucks.

Noah, we miss you so much. It's felt like a lifetime without you- and there is so much more life to  live for us.
I just wish I never had to write this stupid blog.
I think I'm a little bitter today.
I just want my baby back.

I love you baby boy. You are the bestest little boy in the whole entire world.
Love you forever,
Mummy

I found the key to happiness :)

http://www.dizzy-dee.com/recipe/chocolate-cake-in-5-minutes

Thanks Mum! :) it does the trick after 2 very long nights and days with a little teething girly!

Much needed chocolate cake!

Note the froggy mug :)

Jane
PS. Obviously I am aware that this is not the key to happiness! It just helps :)

Censorshi(t)p

Over the past year or so, I've realized that more and more people from my 'real' life have been reading my blog. I"m not always certain how they find it- maybe from a friend, maybe through a google search, maybe they heard I have one, and tried and tried until they found it, maybe it was because when I first started my blog, I let a few people know- and they are still around, checkin' in on me..
Whatever the way, or reason. I"m not certain I like it.
For the most part, actually. It's fine. People read it, and usually keep to themselves, but then once in a while I get a comment, message on facebook, or an email (of course, never a phone call- too awkward!ha).. letting me knwo that they've read my blog, and are thinking of me. Or they let me know how in some ways they understand what I am going through, or don't understand- but can try to empathize. I don't mind this. I really don't.
But what about the comments, messages and emails- that correct me. Correct me?? This is a place where I want to feel safe to write whatever comes out of my thick skull, and out of my heart. I used to not even read over what I wrote- because I knew that it was what I needed to write on that day- and so spelling mistakes and all- there they were- published.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE comments- and they have been dwindling lately, which makes me a little sad. But, I don't really like when people 'try' to make me feel better by saying something I said was wrong- or by telling me how they think it's different... Really?? Well- at this moment- this is my truth. The next moment, month or year- I may think, or express something different- for now- this is it- either support me, tell me your story, something- but don't tell me my thoughts are wrong.

I feel like I must censor myself now. Not just because of the reason I just gave- but for a variety of others as well. For instance- this post- I really have been wanting to write for about 2 or 3 weeks- but I couldn't do it.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings
I don't want to make anyone's grief worse
I don't want to feel like my writing makes others sad
I don't want people to think I am crazy
I don't want people to think I am in over my head.
remember- this blog- my writing- this is my out. this is WHY I am not crazy, and not in over my head. Because I can write about being sad, scared, anxious, angry, happy, mad- about my grief- because of that I can help myself heal.
Because of this blog, and a few other things, I can try to live a normal life, I can be a good mother to both Noah and Charlotte.

How do I do this?
without making a new blog that noone in the world knows about?
... and I don't want to do that! my baby-loss Momma friends- I wouldn't want to lose them- their support.
Plus, as I said before, I love comments-
It's a catch 22 really.

I guess I'm being immature, and don't want to be told I am wrong.
I also am being a little mature, by not wanting to hurt anyone.

I don't even know if this post makes sense. I just know that I've felt like I have to keep my words inside lately-and that is not good for my head.
urgh
any suggestions?

PS. If you think I'm talking about you- I"m most likely not! it's a collection of things really. so try not to worry too much... or you'll have me censoring even more! Ha!


Hi Noah Bear, 


Today Mummy is going to her school to watch the graduation ceremony for the kids that I taught last year. It will be nice to see them graduate! 
I'm leaving Charlotte with a babysitter (ok not really- a good friend, with a baby- who's house we go to every week!) for the first time. I shouldn't worry- but I do! 
What if she needs me?
What if she wants me?
What if she hurts herself? or gets sick?
Mummy is a worry wart- I know! I am going to try to by calm, breathe and enjoy myself! 
I've been thinking about how I probably need to have a babysitter more often, so I can be an even better Mummy. Sometimes I think it would be good for Mummy and Daddy to go on a date, or even just go for a drive- and not worry about Charlotte... even for just 30 minutes! Then again, I'd probably worry more!


I love you Noah. I wouldn't worry as much about Charlotte if you were here  too. You would be able to bring to babysitter what you think she needed- I'm sure by now you would have had her all figured out! Diaper change, food, water, milk, cuddles, playtime, story. You'd know what she'd want- because you would want it to! 
I love you forever,
Mummy

PS. I"m trying my best not to re-read this- like the good old days- so excuse all the grammar, spelling, typos!

Butterfly Release number 3

Hi Noah Bear,

After writing that subject line, I realized how much is sucks that the number will just keep going and going and never stop....... a butterfly release-- nothing compared to having YOU back with me!

Anyway... Yesterday was the Annual PBSO Butterfly Release and Family Picnic. It was year three for us.
This year was a little different- because we had your sister with us.  It was ncie to share it with her. This will be something we will try to attend each year- as a family- in  memeory  of you! it's a nice day- with stuff for kids to do, a butterfly release- and lots of people with one thing in common.. lots of people who get what it's like to be me, and to be your daddy.. who get what it's like to be a mother, yet sometimes, for years- not have it acknowledged.

We took some pictures this year! here are a few!

here's Mummy with your little sister!

Here's daddy with your little sister

Here's your butterfly....did you catch it?

Your daddy and Charlotte... saying goodbye to your butterfly

Your sister's shirt says 'My Big Brother is an Angel  in Heaven'... and look, a butterfly landed on it!!

Ohh.. she finally noticed it! watch out butterfly- don't worry Noah, we didn't let her hurt it!

Isn't it pretty!!

Daddy and Charlotte sitting pretty!

Here is Charlotte with Matthew and Reece. They were releasing butterflies for their sister, Breanna, and brother, Cole.

We love you Noah. 

You are the bestest boy in the whole entire world and heavens!

Love you forever, 

Mummy