Christmas Eve

Hi Noah-Bear,

It's Christmas Eve, Daddy is working, and I am getting everything ready to go to Kingston- we will visit your spot when we are there visiting Grammie and Grampie.

Just checking in to say hello, and we miss you, and we wish you were here so badly. Christmas will never be the same again.. there will always be a person in our family missing.

We Love you.. and we are going to make sure we try to have a good time this Christmas... because since you aren't here.. we have to have fun for you too.
We love you
Mummy

Presents

Hi Little Man,

I wish it wouldn't be 'weird' to buy you Christmas presents! If things were different I would be buying toys and cute little clothes... and I would be buying little boy fun wrapping paper... I would have enjoyed that a lot! Instead.. I try to stay away from places where I might run into too much baby stuff.

1 year ago I thought things would be so different... WOW.. how life throws us curveballs.. but this is more than a curveball.. this isn't fair.

I wish you were here with Mummy and Daddy. We miss you a lot.

Come visit me in my dreams tonight my precious boy

Love you forever,
Mummy

1 week 'til Christmas

Hi Monkey,
Today was my last day of work before the holidays.
It went pretty good.. the kids sang well at the concert.

I missed you a lot today.. just letting you know.. I think of you constantly.

Today Mummy and Daddy went to the Dr. about having a brother or sister for you. Mummy needs to take medicine at certain times and go to lots and lots of Doctor appointments for blood tests and ultrasounds.. but eventually.. hopefully sooner than later we will be pregnant with your sibling! I can't wait! It will be so hard, because the baby will not be you.. and won't ever replace you.. and Mummy will be so worried about the new baby being sick as well.. BUT as you know, Mummy and Daddy are good parents, and really want a child here on earth with us for a long, long time.

Love you Noah, just checking in to remind you how much I LOVE you, and to let you know about our Dr. appointment.

Love you, Love you, Love you
Mummy

December

Well.. It is officially the Christmas Season.. last your you would ahve heard Christmas in my belly... lots of jingly music and the sound of crunching paper.. from opening gifts... this year.. it is so hard. I didn't think Christmas would ever behard... I didn't think that those two words.. hard and Christmas would be in the same sentence.
On saturday we went to the Mall to look for a coat for daddy.. and boy, was it hard.. strollers, babies, kids, happy parents, happy families.. all so excited for the season, so exicted to see Santa.. I couldn't stand it without you. I needed to leave.. so we did.
That probably would have been the weekend that we brought you to have your picture taken with Santa. Oh.. how I would love to see what you would have looked like at 8 months old! so handsome i'm sure!

I love you Noah.. I'll write more in a couple week, when school closes for the holidays... I'll be at home, and bored...
I miss you every second of the day... still... beleive me.. time doesn't heal...these scars won't heal... only two days, but too many memories to heal, good memories!
I love you I love you I love you

Mummy

Long time

Hi Monkey,
I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written to you,.. alot has happened!
On Saturday, Mummy and Daddy had about 30 people over to the house, and they all went to see your tree. Jamie- you know, the one who put water on your face before you went to heaven, he spoke a bit, and then Mummy and Daddy said stuff.
It was ncie to have everyone here.
I also don't think I told you that Poppy developed a scholorship/endowment fund in your name... it's called "The Noah Awards"- it's a great idea and it makes all of us happy to know that there is a permanant thing put in place as a sort of memorial for you- that also helps others!!
Then.. on sunday, SickKids has a NICU remembrance service for the families whose babies died at SickKids over the past year.

Mummy and Daddy might put our Christmas tree up this weekend.. I am kind of looking forward to putting all the special ornaments that remind me of you on the tree.
christmas won't be the same this year though not without you here.. when you ere supposed to be.

Also, Mummy and Daddy are one step closer to making you a big brother... we have to get help to do it though, unfortunatly ... but we're getting there.. hopefully soon I will be able to announce it to you! that you will be a big brother!!!! ,.. but not yet.. slowly but surely.

Well.. we love you Noah.. we love you so much. you are the best thing that ever happened to your daddy and I.
Love
Mummy

Love

Love you little man..
Miss you so much..
Wish you were here with me..
Love you forever..
Mummy

Cuba

Hi Monkey Man,

Well.. Mummy and Daddy just got back from Cuba. We had a good time! The first few days were really sunny.. but the rest of the days were dull and rainy. It didn't matter much though, because Mummy and Daddy had each other to keep them company. I just am not as tanned as I wish I was!!

It was nice to get away from everything in Canada... nice to be around people who don't look at us with that 'pity face' and try to make us feel better... Nice to sort of take a break from this crazy year... but hard to come back to it...urgh... if only we could go to Cuba once a month!

We miss you so much baby boy. others have stopped talking about you, and asking about you.. but don't worry ... we never will. You are on Mummy and Daddy's heart and mind every single day. people say it gets easier.. but I think it just gets more regular to be here with out you... not any easier.. just that we are more used to it. How can it get easier when there is no way you can ever come back to us.. it can't.

Well baby bear.. we love you more than anything.

Love,
Mummy and Daddy

October

Hi Monkey

Lots of things have happened this month.. and it isn't even over yet.

You would have been 6 months old on the 6th. It was so tough for me, because I really wanted you to be here.. and I wanted to see the progress you would have made... sitting up, eating some smooshy food, smiling, learning to crawl.. your personality would have been out even more by now.

Mummy and Daddy also booked a trip to Cuba for the end of the month. That should be a relaxing trip for us... let the 'big guy' know and maybe he can send us lots of sunshine!!

Also, we went to Kingston for Thanksgiving- that was interesting.. mummy and daddy cooked a whole big turkey for that side of the family. I think we did a good job :)
I wish you were there to eat the carrotts. Daddy got sad when he was peeling them, because he would have been peeling them for you, and then using the blender to smoosh them up. He went to get a radio so he didn't have the quiet... he finds when it is quiet ... he is more sad. he wants to be happy that you weere here,.... not sad that you are gone.

Wel... I should go... I have to go to work
Mummy and daddy love you more than anything else.
Love you,
Mummy

MUAH

Love you.. wish I could give you a big bear hug and a big sloppy kiss.

I'll write more soon.. promise

Love,
Mummy

Wall

Hi Baby Boy,

I couldn't do it today. I couldn't face the world of people who don't understand and seem like they don't care. I couldn't put up that new 'wall' I have to wear constantly while at work so that people think I am ok. Today I needed a day to just be me, who lost you, who is eternally sad, and won't ever get better. Today I needed to stay in bed as long as I wanted, and cry as much as I wanted, with noone to judge me, or try to make me feel better. I want to be sad today.

Today, my love, you are 6 months old. If you were with me, we would be making yummy food for you, you would probably be crawling soon, you could use your high chair. You would have changed so much. And Daddy and I will never ever get to see those changes in you. Everyday is hard.. but today would have been an exciting milestone for you... you would have learned so much... come so far... loved so much.. been so happy.. and I would have too.

I'll Love You Forever... Forever is so long without you my boy... so long.
Mummy

Alone

Hi Monkey,

I'm all alone this weekend.. well not all alone, some people have been over here and there.. but your daddy isn't here.. so I feel alone.
I miss you more when he isn't here.. because I am missing both of my best boys.

I love you Noah... I love you more than these words could ever say...

Mummy

Fun Run

Hi Noah..
We had the Fun Run on saturday! it was great.. I felt so special and loved to have so many friends come out as part of 'Team Noah' for you!

Your tree is going to be planted soon!! Yippy!! It will be so nice to be able to walk down and see your tree every day afterwork with your Casey Puppy!!

We love you Noah..
I miss you so much
Mummy

The Dance, By garth brooks

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars above

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance.

Love

I love you
I miss you
I need a cuddle

Love, Mummy
xoxo

It's Friday

Hi Monkey!
Finally it's friday! It feels like I have been waiting forever for this weekend.
It's been a long week.

Daddy is fixing the front stairs- I think they are going to look really nice :)

Casey has been a pretty good boy latly.. not barking at too many people! I wish you had gotten to meet him!! You would have loved him.

The Kitties are good too.. they are still pretty cuddly!

We all miss you a lot
I'm sorry we haven't been to Kingston to 'see you' lately. I've missed seeing your little monument. We are going to go for Thanksgiving this year.. and Bryar's Mommy and Daddy might come and see you too! I think that would be nice for ya!

I love you forever
I like you for always
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be

Love, Mummy xoxox

Thankful

HI Monkey..
I've been thinking about you A LOT this past week.. I am contantly thinking about you.. but this week is different.. it is an extra hard week. So, I've been trying to think of things that will make me happy.. because I know you would want me to be happy... So I am going to write you a list of little things I am thankful for... since there is so much bad stuff that happened to you.. I want you to know about all the GOOD stuff.. the little stuf that we forget sometimes.

I am thankful that I got pregnant with you so quickly, and didn't have to wait for you to me in belly
I am thankful that you got to go on 2 trips to Newfoundland, my favourite place (you were in my belly)
I am thankful that I wasn't sick during my pregnancy with you
I am thankful that I was a 'cute' pregnant person!
I am thankful that I had so many ultrasounds and got to see you growing
I am thankful that we got a 3D4D ultrasound, and that you looked to peaceful
I am thankful that we got a teddy for each grandma with your heartbeat in it
I am thankful that we found out your gender
I am thankful that we named you before you were born
I am thankful that you were named a strong, family name that means a lot to both sides of the family
I am thankful that your grandparents were so happy that you were on your way, and so supportive during the pregnancy
I am thankful that my best friends threw me baby showers
I am thankful that you got to have a christmas while in my belly
I am thankful that you got christmas presents that christmas
I am thankful that we have christmas ornaments that remind us of you
I am thankful that we took time, and love into planning your nursery
I am thankful that we chose to use froggies in your room
I am thankful that I got 41 1/2 weeks with you in my belly
I am thankful that your grandma and poppy came to visit for so long before you were born
I am thankful that I finished work 2 weeks before you were born and had time to really feel you move and kick without the stress of work
I am thankful that you were born at the beginning of a month (I know that is weird, but I like the beginning of months better!)
I am thankful that you were born in the spring
I am thankful that your great nanny, and all your great grammpies went to heaven before you, so they could take care of you for me
I am thankful that you were so perfect when you were born
I am thankful that your daddy was by my side when you were born
I am thankful that your daddy got to hold you and take pictures of you for one whole hour before any one else, that was your special time
I am thankful that when I held you, you kept your eyes open to see me
I am thankful that I felt an instant bond with you
I am thankful that you look like your daddy, and your mummy
I am thankful that all your grandparents were here for your birth
I am thankful for how excited your family and our friends were about you being here
I am thankful for getting a single room at the hospital
I am thankful for a nurse named Clover
I am thankful that we live near the best children's hospital in the country- where you got the best care possible
I am thankful that the doctors and nurses at SickKids seemed to be compassonate people
I am thankful that we had 2 beautiful days with you
I am thankful that you were baptized
I am thankful that Lori gave you clothes to wear after your surgery
I am thankful that you stayed alive after your surgery for us to say goodbye
I am thankful that I sang you a song
I am thankful that daddy read you a book
I am thankful that your grandma and poppy got to sing the song they made up for you
I am thankful that everyone got to hold you
I am thankful that before you died you squeezed my hand and opened your eyes
I am thankful that I felt such an unconditional love
I am thankful that once you were ready, you passed away quickly and without pain
I am thankful that you are so beautiful
I am thankful that we have so many pictures of you
I am thankful for the pictures that Lori took
I am thankful for the molds of your hands
I am thankful that we didn't have to give you an autopsy because we were certain of how you died
I am thankful that Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate could come to your services
I am thankful that people could see your beautiful face
I am thankful for the little outfit that your great gramma made, that you are wearing now
I am thankful for businesses in Kingston that were very generous
I am thankful for the family support we received and are still recieving
I am thankful that I learned some new things since you were born
I am thankful that you have touched so many people's lives
I am thankful that butterflies, frogs and g-rafs remind me of you
I am thanksful that 2008 is the 'Year of the Frog' - it really is!
I am thankful that your daddy is the most wonderful man in the world
I am thankful for organizations that help suppoer people who lose their babies, and who 'get it'
I am thankful that I am living- although some days it is hard
I am thanksul for the internet, where I met so many great mommys to so many other angels
I am thankful that I know I will never forget you
I am thankful for your life
I am thankful that you are my first born child
I am thankful that noone will ever replace you
I am thankful that you have helped us through these past few months
I am thankful that daddy and I are trying to make you a big brother
I am thankful for YOU!

And that is just the 'I am thankful for's ' that I could think of on the spot... see... you did so much.. you made me so happy! Life isn't the same without you.. but I wouldn't have taken away any of the moments I had with you

I love you Noah..

Mummy

Hello My Love

Hi Little man,

it is early in the morning, and I have to go to work very, very, soon. I don't feel well today... in lots of ways.. my throat hurts, and I am so sad. I don'tknow if I will be able to make it the whole day today at school. I guess we will see.

yesterday was the first time since you were born that someone asked me if I had kids. it caught me off guard a little- to tell you the truth I expected it a lot more.. but I guess I look young, and don't have any kids with me... and most people know about you, and unfortunatly don't like to bring you up in conversation.. just in case I get 'sad'.... little do they know that I want them to talk about you.. that I am already to sad for my own good.. and ignoring you just makes me sader.
Anyway.. it was Auntie deborah's friend that asked. I said 'Yes, we have a son, but he passed away'.... I do wish I could just say 'yes, I have a son, and he is 6 months old and wonderful.. he is being babysat right now'... I hate that I have to tell peple that you've pased away.. but I do have to. I'm glad I didn't say 'no' to her question. I don't want to ever make it sound like you didn't exist on th is earth, and that we didn't love you more than anything ever in the whole world.

Anyway love, Mummy has to go to work. I wish I didn't.

I love you, Daddy loves you

Love,
Mummy

Busy, Busy, Busy

Hi my little man,

I am sorry I haven't written as much latly. I have been so busy with work, and meetings- but don't you worry- I never stop thinking about you.
I do everything a little differently because you were here. I love you so much.
I want to hold you, and have you near me Noah. I miss you.

Take care, I hope you aren't too lonely.

I love you forever,
I like you for always,
as long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

Mummy

Uncle Steve

Hi Monkey..
Uncle Steve and Aunt Tanya are coming to our house today.. I wish they were coming to see you

We are going to go to Wonderland. I'm sure it will be nice

How are you doing up there?? Taking care of all the little ones and getting spoiled by your great grandparents?? I hope so.

I wish I could kiss you.
I love you
Mummy

Morning

It's morning time.. and I miss you.
wish I could hold you
never will forget you
Love
mummy

Hello

Hi Monkey,

Today was my first day back at work full-time. It was an easy day- because there were no kids.. just me in the classroom cleaning up and organizing.

I miss you so much. I wish so much that you were here. I see famillies with strollers and babies, and pregnant bellies.. and it makes me need you even more- why do they get to have their children, and I don't get to have you?? Sometimes I see people yelling and their kids, or putting their kids in messy messy dirty cars, or feeding them pop... it makes me so sad- that they can have their kids and I can't have you. Life isn't fair is it. You didn't even get a chance.


Somedays I just don't know what to do.. I wish I could be with you, or you could be with me. I wish I could turn back time.
I just need to cuddle you and look into your beautiful eyes.
I need you to know that I love you so much Noah. I've never loved anything like I love you. Nothing will ever be the same.
I want April 7th back.
I wouldn't ever let you go.

I love you
I love you
I love you
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Love,
Mummy

You!

Hi Monkey.. You are so special.. I think about you all the time.. I am so proud of you.. proud that you were so beautiful... proud that you fought so hard to be healthy.. proud that you are my son.
I hope you're proud of me too!

Today was an OK day. I only have a few days until I go back to work full time.. I keep thinking how horrible it will be because I should be off, with you!! I hoped so much that by the time I went back full-time I would have your little brother or sister in my belly, so I could then count down the months, weeks and then days until I get time off again, with your brother or sister. I thought it might help.. that I'm going back.. but then I have a time when I am going to be off again.. right now, it is all up in the air. It's so hard not having you here... so many things are different.. so many things are not as they were planned.. so many things don't bring me joy anymore- because I lost the BEST joy.. (that's you!)

Yesterday I was shopping for plant pots for Daddy's work.. and while I was at the store, I was looking at scrapbooking stuff (of course!)... I found a cute little Noah's Ark book.. but I already made a scrapbook of you.. so.. who would I buy to for?? Well.. your grammie already has so much stuff bought for a scrapbook for you.. so I though, since I don't think you grandma is going to scrapbook anytime soon, that I would do one for her!! So.. I did that all day.. it was nice to do- I love looking at your pictures :)
Uhoh.. I just remembered.. I think she reads this on a daily basis (she checks up on me!)... so now she knows.. I can't keep a secret anyway, so she would have found out!
But- she won'tknow how wonderful it is until she gets it!... i must say I have become a great scrapbooker.. that's one thing that YOU taught me!! That's right.. you! I never would have started this if you were here with me.. I wouldn't have had time.. I would ahve colected pictures in albums, the regular way!.. So thanks I guess :)
You've done lots, and changed lots you know.. Your life meant a lot.. and will continue to mean alot. Noone that you have touched will ever look at a frog, butterfly or g-raf in the same way... when they see the story i read to you.. they'll think of you.. when they hear the name Noah said at a grocery store, or on someone's name tag.. they'll think of you... they will think of you and SMILE.. because you were perfect... you are perfect.. you were sent so we could feel the pure joy of having a child.. the excitment.. the anxiety.. the overwhelming love that comes with it. Unforuntatly.. our family also got the terrible, gut-wrenching, dread of you suddenly becoming sick and dying. Oh boy.. we could have don't without that. But through it all.. we are learning, growing, and hopefully little-by-little learning to life without you here in person.. but in our hearts always.
I love you Noah..
You know that right?
I wish I could go up to your crib and see you in it.. and take you out for a little midnight cuddle..oh what I would give to be able to have 1 more minute with you... but no time would be enough.. I want forever.
I love you forever
Mummy

Goodnight

Good night sweet, sweet boy.
Wish I could tuck you in...
Love,
Mummy

Mummy Can't Sleep

Hi Monkey,

Thanks for sending us a rainbow yesterday evening... it was lovely.. I was just telling you Dad the other day how we haven't seen a rainbow in a long time.

It's 1:30 in the morning right now.. Daddy is sound asleep.. I couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs so my moving around wouldn't waken him. Some nights are just terrible without you. I wish I were up because you needed me, because you neded your bum changed, or were hungry.. not because I am missing you.

Mummy and Daddy haven't been up to much latly.. life is kind of standing still.. I wish it would move faster some days.
Mummy and Daddy really are trying to make you a big brother!! It isn't going so well because Mummy is having some issues with cycles.. I don't expect you to know anything about that! What I do want you to know is that we love you, and we want to make you a big brother, we want to make sure that all of the stuff that was meant for you gets used by someone you would have loved and adored. It would bring more joy to Mummy and Daddy's life to have a little sibling for you... I do hope it happens soon.. remember though.. no matter what happens in our lives.. you will always be loved, you will forever be our first child.. noone can take that away from you. You will always be perfect, and never replaced.

We love you Noah.
We love you so much

Mummy

Lonely

Hi Baby Boy..

I love you so much.. I hope you never ever forget that.
Today is a very hard day.. I want you back with me.. I want to cuddle you, and hold you, I want to be a Mummy who is there for their child.. not who just writes them notes on a blog.
Oh Noah- I am so sorry that you didn't get a chance at a long life.. that I couldn't save you.. that you had to die. You don't deserve this.. Daddy and I don't deserve this. It's so hard.

Mummy needs your help Noah- I need you to look down on my and smile, I need your strength, I need to be ok, I need to know that you are ok.

I love you my sweet boy
Mummy

August

Hi Monkey.
I love you.
I've written less lately.. I've had some family here to keep me company and busy..
Next week might be different
Thinking of you always

Love,
Mummy

Love you

MUAW.. Love you.. I miss you so much today..and everyday.
Mummy

Hi

Hi Baby Boy,

Just writing to let you know that I love you.. Today I made a shadowbox for you with some of your 'stuff' in it.. it is beautiful! but not as beautiful as you!
I miss you.. Daddy and I love you!
Mummy

It's Raining

Hi Baby Boy,

Are you sending down rain from heaven?
I miss you an extra lot today... I miss you an extra lot everyday- but today especially for some reason I am reminded that I am a Mummy who doesn't get to hold and cuddle and feed and wash and play with her baby.... I love being your Mummy, but I do wish you could be with me.

Life isn't the same without you- Nothing is the same without you.
I long for April 6th and 7th to be back.. So I could hold you once more.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Anniversary

Hi Baby Boy,

Today is Mummy and Daddy's 3rd Anniversary- A year ago we didn't think we would ever have another anniversary without you here. You were in my belly for our second Anniversary- we were so excited, anxious, and in love, with you and each other of course!

Gramma (your great-gramma) is here, she said she is going to take us out for dinner for our aniversary, that should be nice!

Oh how I miss you so much, your daddy does too.. I'm sure you see him sometimes when he is sad. I wish you could reach down from heaven and hold us.. I wish we could cuddle you.. I wish I could hear you cry and coo, and feel your little hands on me as I did for those 2 wonderful days.
We miss you Noah.. it will never go away.
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you more than anything else, different than anything else.. you will always be my perfect baby.
Mummy

The Weekend

Hi Noah, Your Uncle Peter got married on the weekend. I thought it was going to be hard, and it was. Mummy and Daddy had a good time, but we also had some moments where we went away from the crowd of happy people- to be with each other. We kept thinking of you- and how we wish you were here -we saw others with their children- and wished that they would have been you. Everything reminds us of you, everything. In the middle of the ceremony we saw a little butterfly fly past.. we figured it was you getting a closer look at your beautiful aunt and uncle. Well.. mummy is very tired now. I have assignments to write, but right now I must sleep. Love you my baby.... I wish you were here. Mummy

Grandma and Poppy are on their way!

Hi Little Buddy!!!

Grandma and Poppy are on a plane right now to visit Mummy.. well, really they are coming for Uncle Peter and Aunt Kate's wedding.. but they are stopping by our house first!

Grandma has been sneaking a peek at my notes to you too! I think she likes to know what Mummy is thinking sometimes- but that's ok!

So I will pick them up from the airport soon, and then we will go rent them a car.. then I have to go to work, but Grandma and Poppy will hang out here with Casey... I know they wish you were here for them to look after and cuddle and kiss and sing to. It is hard for them too. I think an extra hard thing for them is to see your Daddy and I so sad. THey would change it all if they could.. I know they would.

I was talking to Leah's Mummy the other day. You know Leah right? She is the beautiful little girl..maybe a bit bigger than you, she got there in heaven two weeks before you did. I'm sure she showed you around.. you both had hurty tummies...but now you should feel all better... because they say that everything is perfect in heaven.
ANyway... please let Leah know that her Mom and Dad miss her so much, just as your Daddy and I miss you. Please look out for Leah.. play together.. look down at us together. Her mommy and I are friends now- because of you guys- you brought us together- and we need each other.
Know that we are so proud of you, our little angels, and that we miss you dearly.

Well Noah, I must go and walk Casey.. Remember that I love you.. more than anything.. I mean that!
I love you
I miss you
I need you
Mummy

Casey

Hi Monkey..

Casey is here with me.... Casey is your puppy.. well, he is a full grown dog now, but he is little, like a puppy! You would have loved him, and he would have learned to love you too.. it may have taken him a while, but you would have been the best of friends!

Casey has been very cuddly and helping us when we are sad by giving us big cuddly puppy dog hugs.
I know he didn't know you, and you didn't know him.. but I do no that you probably heard him while you were in my belly..because he barks a lot.

He barked more while you were in my belly- I think because he was trying to protect us. He is getting much better now with his barks!

I should go now.. I need to take Casey for a walk.. then I have to go to work again.

I love you Noah.. big kisses from me, and cuddly puppy dog hugs and kisses from Casey!

MUAW!
Mummy

Mondays are hard

Hi Muffin..
Why is it that I find Monday's hard??

Daddy said he dreamt of you the other night.. I was jealous, because, as I told you before, I don't dream anymore.
I wish I could dream of you, even if it were just once.

Tonite Daddy and I are going to clean up the house.. because grandma and poppy are coming, and we are going to go for ice cream.. i think Daddy knows it was a hard day for mummy.. and he knows it is good for me to get out of the house and do something... and we all know that daddy LOVES ice cream!

I'm doing laundry right now.. i ran out of detergent.. so I had to use the baby detergent that we had all ready for your clothes.. i wish I was washing your clothes.

Well.. this is a short note.. i have lots to clean, and before long daddy will be home and wanting ice cream.
Don't forget that I love you. I hope you are playing nicely with others up there.. give Nanny, and all your great granddaddys lots of hug and kisses.. I know great grandaddy and poppy are teaching you to fish.. and i'm sure grampy L and G are teaching you all about using tools, and about trains. ..Great nanny is probably making sure you are well fed, well dressed and that you use your manners. I know they are all so proud of you- and are taking care of you, because I can't. They loved me, so I know they love you too. Is Justin teaching you football?? and Kelly Anne teaching you to swim?? I wish I could be there to see you... I don't even know a way to make my life easier right now.. if you think of something... send it to me in a little dream, will you?
Like Cole and Breanna's Mummy says... If loved could have saved you, you would have lived forever...
I love you Noah,
Mummy

The Weekend

Hi Baby Boy,

My weekend was busy. I went to you Aunt Kate's bridal shower in Monkton, Ontario.. visited Leah's Mummy, and went to Kingston.
I'm sure you know this- but your monument went up last week. daddy and I went to see it... it really is nice.. but I don't want it.. I want you. it is hard to see your beautiful name on a piece of marble.. along with the very best, and the very worst dates of my life.. April 6th.. when you were born- the best day of course.. a day I will never forget. and April 8th.. the day that you died.. also a day I will never forget.. but I day I wish had never happened.. because if it didn't, I would have you here with me.. I wouldn't have all this pain, and horrible flood of emotions running though me.. I wouldn't be writing to you, I'd be singing and talking and reading and playing and doing all the things a mummy is supposed to do. And I can't fix it.. all I can do is write.. to help me.. knowing that it will fix nothing... that you will never come back.. that I won't see you crawl, walk, lose your first tooth, ride your bike, sing, laugh, dance, play.. nothing.
it sucks Noah.. this isn't what I wanted for you. I needed you buddy. We were going to do so much, see so much, take Daddy to disney land, go on trips to newfoundland and Kingston.
And instead.. I am here, at my computer, crying, wishing all this were true. Knowing, that I have a stone, a piece of rock to remind me of you.
I'm sorry.. If you were here I wound't be burdening you with all this adult words and thoughts.
I love you Noah.. Life is never going to be the same without you.
April 7th- was my last truly happy day. I want my old self back- but you have a piece of me.. the best part... you have you!
I love you
I have to get ready to go to work now.. I have to be strong while I'm sure.. I can't cry like this.. it's so hard sometimes... people don't understand.
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you to the moon and back.
Love,
Mummy

Uncle Peter

Hi Noah Bear,

Your uncle Peter arrived today from England. I picked him up at the Airport after work. I wish you were with me.
He is in Ontario because he is getting married next weekend. I wish you could be there too.. I would have gotten you a little suit- I know you would have been so cute. It will be a hard day for me-- seeing Kate's sisters babies.. and pregnant people.. and a family event without all our family.. without YOU!
We will all miss you
We do all miss you
Mummy and Daddy love you more than anything.. you know that.. right?
Love,
Mummy

Hard Day..

Hi Baby Bear..

Can you tell that today is a hard day for Mummy? I think this is the third time I've written today!
Oh well... Whatever works .. right?
I wish you were here with me.. because you would be 3 1/2 months old, and just learning to sit up.. you would be smiling.. and looking all around.. and definatly recognising your name, and your mummy and daddy by now.
I really so grieve for all the things.. hopes.. dreams.. wishes that I had for you. I'll never get those back.
I am so thankful though.. that I had you for the 2 days that I did.. Some people don't even get that... but I am selffish.. and wanted you for forever.

We got news that your stone went up today.. That is good, since it has been much longer than they said it would.. but.. it is so final..Daddy and I are going to go on Sunday to Kingston.. to see how it looks.. and to visit your grammie and grampy.

Well.. daddy will be home from work soon.. I should go finish our dinner.. I wish you were here for dinner too!

I love you forever
Mummy

This is our family picture!
You! Sleeping like a baby!
This is you looking like a taco! This is the blankie that you have with you now.. your Auntie Deborah gave it to you!
I love this picture.. you look like you have so much to see!
My very favourite picture of you!

Hey Baby Bear.. this blogging thing is new to me, but I have figured out how to add pictures! So, I am going to add some of your beautiful little self! Hope you don't mind :)

I'm so proud of you, you know! :) I hope you knew that!

Love you, Mummy

This is you.. just after you were born!

Frogs!

Good Afternoon Munchkin,

Did I tell you that YOU have made me LOVE Frogs?? Well, as you know, your room is decorated with some frogs. Well, since you left us I have enjoyed collecting thing with frogs on them.. because they remind me of you!
I have lots of frogs.. for my garden, stuffed toys, a winnie the pooh dressed as a frog (that's from Cole and Breanna's Mummy.. I'm sure you three are playing together up there!), wall hangings, framed pictures, even a broom with frogs on it!! I'll probably always collect little frogs.. forever.. because I will forever remember you.. and Frogs will help me with that!

Any frogs in heaven?
We saw one when we went to visit the cemetary last weekend!! it was so little and cute.. it was coming to say 'hello'!

I love you Noah.. so much.. this is so hard on Mummy.. but I know you had to go.
Take care of me from up there if you can...

Love you SO much,
Mummy

One Year

Hi Munchkin..
I forgot to tell you.. or maybe you already know.
It was a year ago last Friday that your Daddy and I found out you were growing in my belly! We had wished for you for a while, and there you were- so loved already!
I loved having you in my belly... I felt the best I'd ever felt! I'll never forget the time you spent in there.. it was so wonderful!
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you extra much this time of year. .. I wish you were in my belly again.
Maybe sometime soon I will have your younger brother or sister in my belly.. that wil be lovely I'm sure! I will still miss you though, not matter what happens.. even if I have 85 more children- I will miss you. Nothing and Noone will ever replace you.. you are the one and only ever you.
I love you Noah.
*Butterfly Kisses*
Mummy

Wednesday

Hi Little buddy,
Today is Wednesday, but it really does feel like Tuesday... time has seemed to go backwards since we lost you.. if only time could go backwards, and your life could have been made longer, healthier.. if only I could always get my way.

Today I am working in the morning instead of the afternoon- it will keep me busier because I will be teaching instead of planning.

I just wanted to say HI.. I like this blog thing.. it makes me feel closer to you in some ways.
Daddy reads this sometimes.. so Hi Daddy!!!
Your daddy loves you so much, he misses you too. We talk about you all the time, and remember your precious little face, and are constantly reminded of how you have touched our lives.
We love you Noah.

Mummy

Hi Monkey..

I miss you a lot today- I miss you everyday- but today just seems extra sad.
Maybe it is because my work is being really unsupportive- I guess they just don't understand how much I loved you, and how much it hurts me when I hear little children ask when you are coming back- because I know you can't.. but I wish you could.
I don't blame the children.. but I also don't want to be pushed to teach them and have really hard emotional days because of it..
Anyways my little monkey man.. I have some good news... I called SickKids today to see how much money has been raised in your name. I found out it is a whopping $3431.48. I was so happy to know that the money donated in memory of you could be used to purchase something big for the NICU bereavement unit. I talked to Lori at SickKids- she said she is going to use the money to go towards a camera and video camera so other little babies can have their picture taken like you did.

I love you.. I love you so much.. I love you more thank anything. No matter what else happens in my life, know that you are the one and only every you.. and because of you, my life will never be the same.
I love you forever,
Mummy

Daddy is sleeping

Hey Munchkin,

I am right next to your daddy right now.. he is sleeping, but I can't sleep tonight. He has always been a good sleeper- I wish I was blessed with the ability to sleep right now.. I'm tired, emotionally and physically and mentally. Thoughts of you, and our time together often keep me awake- I day dream about your beautiful face, and toes, and fingers. I can't help but remember all of the wonderful moments we spent together. I remember waking up that first night in the hospital- you were on me- I had fallen asleep when we were trying to get you to eat- your daddy was looking at us, watching us, I could tell he was so proud of you- he still is. He is such a good daddy- the best! But you know that!
When I do finally get to sleep- I don't dream. I used to, before you were born, and left us- but not anymore- I don't think I've had one dream- not that I remember anyway. Maybe one night soon you can come to me in my dreams- and maybe cuddle and hug me- I'll feel you, I know I will!

Your puppy Casey is doing well, he is taking care of us. He is keeping us busy- and making sure that I get out for walks!

Your Kitties are doing well too.. Bella has gotten a little strange and has started to eat Casey's food, and Beau Beau's eye is still looking a little icky- but I am trying to be a good mummy to him, and keep is clean, so it will heal.

Your grandmas and grandpas miss you so much- and they are worried about your daddy and I. They call alot, and see us when they can. I bet you are so glad that you got to see them! They love you soo much!


I should try to get some sleep now, like your daddy.
I love you baby boy- Come visit me tonite in my dreams, we can have a little cuddle before I wake up for another tricky day.
Love and Kisses

Mummy

Only the beginning

My Dearest Noah,

I got the idea to write letters to you not on my own.. as I have very little useful brain space right now, but from another Mummy whose baby is with you in heaven. Some people say that writing stuff down can help the grief process, so here I go, writing to you.

It will be nice to be able to tell you everything that is going on- I'm sure your Great-Nanny, and all your Great Grampys, and maybe Justin, and Kelly Anne will take turns reading these to you-- because I know you are still so little.. too little to read.

It has been three and a half months since your daddy and I had the best day of our lives- the day you were born.. and about the same amount of time since we have the very worst day of our lives, the day the you were taken from us, to live in heaven. People say time heals everything- but i'm not sure if that is true. How can I 'get over' my son- I can't! and I won't! Don't worry! You are not soething I can get over! You are my precious lamb, my little monkey and my perfect baby boy. I won't get over you- I will love you forever- and because you would want me to, I will continue to live my life to the fullest- the fullest I can at the time!

I love you
Mummy